When Spock Lost Kirk
by DeliciousNewYork
Summary: Spock and Kirk have become close, but will they become closer than they could have ever imagined? What will happen when their budding relationship is threatened with intergalactic terror? K/S love! Set your phasers to giggle.
1. Chapter 1

**So I feel this is pretty exactly correct in terms of being canon with the series, movie, and characters. I spent hours making sure everything was totally accurate! Let me know what you think!!**

James Tiberius Kirk was having a bad day. He woke up with a migraine and then the whole crew of the S.S. Enterprise spent the rest of the day chasing a no good smuggler. Han Solo had been evading the authorities for some time. He sighed as he was finally able to relax in his quarters. He began his captain's log.

"Dear Captain's Log, Stardate 75834989384492334,

I like how I look in this mustard-gold color. It makes my hair really pop. Or at least that's how I hope I look. Oh Captian's Log, I think I like a boy! "

Kirk was sprawled out on his bed, laying on his stomach. While he thoughtfully chewed on his fuzzy pen, he swung his legs back and forth with glee. He smiled, and giggled to himself as he continued writing.

"Of course, I think he hates my guts. I mean, we got off to such a rough start. I don't think I could hope for anything more than just being friends. Oh, Captain's Log, I wish he would just notice me!"

Little did Kirk know that his dreams were about to come true. As he finished his Captain's log with boring stuff about missions and what not, the ship jerked and he flew off his bed! He was knocked unconscious.

* * *

Commander Spock was worried about his captain. He decided to go looking for him. After all, it was logical in the jerking of the ship that Kirk had hurt himself.

Spock had a bad feeling and ran to his beloved captain's room. He noticed the door had been ripped clean off! Instantly he set his phaser to "bewilder" and entered the room. It was a mess, but there was no Kirk to be found. That was no random speed bump they hit, the captain had been abducted.

"Khaaaaaaaaan!" he yelled in total anguish.

"It totally wasn't me, dude," Khan replied casually as he walked by eating a bowl of Fruit Loops.

Uhura heard all the commotion and ran to the source.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Somehow the captain was abducted and I'm completely grossed out by your boobies and womanly body, by the way," Spock replied logically.

"What?"

"You smell! Be gone you she beast!!" he screamed logically.

Uhura ran away and left Spock to investigate.

* * *

Kirk groggily came to in a dank and quite smelly ship. He was completely naked, stretched out and a slab of concrete. His hands were bound above his head.

Khan was sitting across from him. This time he was eating Count Chocula.

"It turns the milk to chocolate milk," he mildly replied. "Oh, and I lied and deceived your whole stupid crew. I robot of me is walking around eating fruit loops convincing them you are fine and simply need some space."

Kirk couldn't believe this was happening.

* * *

Meanwhile, Spock was unconvinced everything was okay. It would be illogical to trust Khan at his word. Plus, he had been making a buzzing noise ever since he finished the fruit loops.

"Hello, Khan," Spock greeted Khan with unrevealing diplomacy, "Are you enjoying your loops of fruit?"

"Hell yeah!" he answered.

"Are you a robot version of Khan that has been placed here to distract the crew from the real Khan who has captured Captain Kirk for sexually ambiguous reasons?"

"Hell yeah!" he answered, "Wait! Damnit!"

The robot had revealed more than he wanted to.

"How did you do that?" the robot questioned Spock with wonder.

"I merely employed a series of logical questions," he answered logically.

"Wow, you sure do like logic," the robot mused.

A dark wave of lust rolled into Spock's eyes.

"If logic had any type of oriffice you can bet I would be pleasuring and penetrating it day and night. I'd fuck the shit out of logic."

The two were left in an uncomfortable silence.

"So do you want to know where he's hiding out or what?" the robot finally questioned.

"Yes, please" Spock replied.

"Well," started Robot Khan, "I can't tell you. I'm not programmed that way."

"Then why the fuck did you ask if I wanted to know." Despite the harsh language, Spock still spoke in a calm, commanding voice. It was like silk, but bad-ass silk. However, the calm in his voice was merely disguising the rage he was feeling inside. The illogical, completely new rage that he had never felt before.

But he made no move to show that anger to Robot Khan. Instead, he busted a cap in Robot Khan's ass and rearranged the programming. Spock was like super good at science.

Anyway, the reprogrammed Robot Khan was now perfectly willing to give away the coordinates of the real Khan's ship. Spock then made for the helm of the ship. It was time to find his Captain.

"Sulu!" Spock yelled logically, "turn on the turbo speed!"

"Do you mean warp?" he questioned.

"Yeah, whatever."

"Where are we going?"

"Put these coordinates into Google maps and let's get the hell out of here," Spock answered.

In less than a second they were speeding through space in search for Captain Kirk.

**I know! A cliff hanger!! Please review! Should I continue? I want to but I'm fed by reviews!**


	2. Chapter 2

**The adventure continues.....and in case anybody didn't notice, the show and movie was never as cracked out as I am so obviously I don't own 'em! **

They came out of light speed and immediately had to maneuver to miss running into another ship!!!!!

"Holy Shit," said Spock in a logical monotone voice, "I think that's the millennium falcon. The notorious ship of smuggler Han Solo."

However, they had even bigger problems. They had to find Khan. Robot Khan was currently twitching in the corner, steam coming out of his ears.

* * *

Kirk struggled against the chains until his wrists were raw and bleeding, but to no avail. He was trapped and at the mercy of Khan, who began to drool.

"Your ass is rockin' in that gold bikini," Khan leered as he eyed his prisoner's change of clothes. Kirk was now chained up wearing a very revealing, gold metal ensemble.

"Why have you captured me?" Kirk cried, "Because you're into me?"

Khan thought about it and replied, "Yeah I guess."

"You could have just asked me out or something."

Khan had not considered this.

"Would you go out with me?"

"No, I don't see this working out," Kirk answered.

"See! That's why I knew I shouldn't just ask! Everyone says no!" Khan said breaking down into tears.

Kirk rolled his eyes, "Well, maybe that's because you don't have enough confidence." Hell, he had nothing better to do.

"What do you mean?" Khan wondered.

"I think in order for someone to love you....you have to learn how to love yourself."

Khan stopped crying and started listening to his compassionate prisoner.

"What do you suggest I do…to love myself," Khan asked in a hushed whisper. Kirk sighed. He didn't think he would have to be the one who explained this. Most young men figured this out on their own.

"Well," he began, thinking about how he would word this, "if you unchain me I can show you." He added a purr to his voice, hoping to distract his captor. It worked. Khan's breathing became intense and he moved towards Kirk.

"How do I know you won't run away," he asked, making his voice smooth like Jello brand pudding.

"You can trust me."

Khan undid the chains, but did not give enough opportunity for Kirk to escape. Instead he pulled Kirk into his arms and pressed his lips against the Captain's.

"How could you!" It was Spock! And even he could not control the emotions flowing through him. Spock felt jealous.

He even felt a little horny but didn't understand why.

"Kirk! I've been traveling the universe looking for you, but here you are in the arms Khan and my pants feel funny! What's going on?" Spock screeched logically.

"You've got a boner," answered one of Khan's henchmen answered casually.

Spock looked down and indeed his pants were quite tented.

"I don't understand my growing body!"

"Jeez! You too? Don't they teach sex ed on other planets?" Kirk said, taking control of the situation.

"Alright, everyone take a seat and I'll explain a few things."

Everyone followed Kirk's orders except the aforementioned henchmen.

"Do I have to stay for this talk?" he asked the Captain.

"Well, seeing as you are currently masturbating in front of us, it seems you've figured out your plumbing. So, no, you can sit this one out," answered Kirk.

The minute the henchman left, Spock leapt into action, taking Khan down with a swift move to his neck.

"What are you doing? I was going to teach you guys!" Kirk complained.

Spock grabbed Kirk's hand with a fierce ferocity Kirk had never seen before.

"Who gives a fucking shit about that stupid fucking talk? Khan is a motherfuckin' psycho! We're gonna have this special talk in your private quarters where I plan to get an F, because F stands for fuckin' til the motherfuckin' break of dawn," Spock replied with a calm logic in his voice.

The made to run out of Khan's headquarters but ran into an unexpected visitor.

It was Doctor McCoy!!!! He looked completely bewildered.

"I'm completely bewildered? What's going on? Where am I?" Even more startling was his outfit. He was in a matching outfit to Kirk's metal Bikini, except his has glitter all over it.

"Oh no! Khan must have taken you too!" shouted Kirk.

Spock ignored their conversation. He was rubbing his crotch and jotting down notes in a notebook. "hmm, sensations are different depending on pace. Interesting."

"Captain, what are we going to do? There are too many of Khan's goons outside the door! And I feel all tingly and vulnerable!"

"Don't worry. I will think of something overwhelmingly clever that I base off assumptions and conjectures!"

And eventually, Kirk did come up with something overwhelmingly clever based off assumptions and conjectures.

Eventually, the three of them ended up in Kirk's quarters.

"Hey! Let's play spin the bottle!" McCoy squealed with glee, pulling out a bottle.

Kirk was eager to play and turned to quickly grab the bowl of popcorn he'd made. The smile on his face fell when he turned around to see McCoy unconscious on the ground near the bed.

"Wha? You did your little Vulcan neck thing again? But we were going to play spin the bottle!" Kirk cried.

"Exactly. I wanted to better my odds," Spock said raising an eyebrow.

**How will the game end? Will Spock and Kirk finally have a moment together? What the fuck his Han Solo doing here? All these and more will be answered but I need reviews to power the answer train!! Thanks to those who have, you get a million stars. **


	3. Chapter 3

**We left off with a an invite to play spin the bottle and the sexy time only continues! **

"Fascinating," Kirk said, attempting to mimic Spock's logical tone, but failing. Spock didn't mind. He just wanted to probe Kirk's mouth. With his tongue. Logically.

"Well, please, Spock. Take your turn," Kirk offered.

Spock simply took the bottle and placed it in the direction of his captain. "Spinning with only two people in the room would be...illogical." And then he practically flew across the table, spilling Kirk's popcorn, and logically exploring where no Vulcan has explored before.

Kirk returned the kiss with a fervor that had been oppressed for far too long. "I dreamed of this every night when I was searching for you," Spock breathed heavily between kisses.

"Didn't it take...like, a day to find me?" Kirk questioned.

"Hmm, you are correct. I did, though, draw several drawings of a sexual nature, depicting our heated coupling," Spock answered.

"Can I see them?"

"I would love to show you, only McCoy asked to see them several hours ago and they have yet to be returned."

"Oh well," said Kirk and they went back to dry-humping like two repressed teenagers at Church camp.

* * *

Meanwhile, Sulu was comfortable at the wheel when a strong beeping alerted him of an unauthorized being aboard the ship. Before he could command someone to investigate, the intruder ran into the bridge.

"Who are you?" Sulu questioned, pointing his phaser.

"I'm Han Solo, and you've got something I want!"

"What do you mean?" Sulu said, setting the phaser to bewilder.

Han Solo pointed at Sulu's crotch dramatically. "That."

"What?!" Sulu squeaked out?

"No, you sad, Korean man! Your sword!"

Sulu wondered if he had shot himself with the bewilder phaser and shouted, "I represent all Asian nations!" Solo rolled his eyes and dashed forward, pulling on Sulu's sword.

Sulu was only slightly disappointed when Han Solo grabbed at his actual, expendable sword, and not the sword that stood as a euphemism.

In no time Han had obtained Sulu's beloved sword and ran as fast as he could. Sulu was quick to follow.

* * *

"Wow, I knew you had green blood, but I'm still a little surprised to see it...so...so green!" Kirk said in wonder, his eyes pointing decidedly downward.

"It's perfectly natural, I assure you," Spock said in reference to his mini-Spock.

"I know, I know," Kirk replied, "It's just....well, if you were human I'd be worried it was about to fall off!"

Spock's face grew suddenly somber.

"Oh....would you prefer me to be fully human?"

Kirk never meant to hurt his beloved Spock, he was merely making light conversation.

"NEVER!" Kirk cried, embracing his sexy stoic.

Kirk looked deeply into his dark eyes, "I want you just the way you are," he said throwing Spock to the bed."Let me show you just how much," he growled, about to pounce.

Just as he was about to leap into action, Han Solo ran into the room carrying Sulu's sword. Sulu was right behind him.

Before he could even question what was going on, Han grabbed Kirk by his shirt and poised the sword at his neck.

"If you don't let me leave I'll slit this guy's throat! And I know he means a lot to you....especially you," he said, referencing Spock's state of arousal.

"It is illogical to mention mini-Spock when he has nothing to do with you, you fucking piece of fucking space trash," Spock snarled logically.

Han Solo pressed the blade closer to Kirk's throat. "I need to steal all of your women to sell as slaves. Give them to me!"

"Why did you bother taking my sword?" asked Sulu.

Han Solo looked him up and down and smirked. "I just wanted it."

At that moment, Uhura walked in and her ugly boobies made everyone sick. So while Spock was throwing up, logically, Han was able to transport himself and Kirk out of the Enterprise and into the Millennium Falcon where they took off at warp factor plaid. Han had also managed to grab Uhura to sell as a slave but nobody really cared.

Once Spock had stopped logically vomiting, he looked at the still-warm bed sheets.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" he cried. "I WAS FINALLY ABOUT TO NAIL KIRK, YOU COCKBAG DOUCHEFACES." He adjusted his shirt angrily. But logically. "Lt. Sulu, grab your other sword and follow me. We must find the captain." Again, nobody remembered Uhura.

Sulu scratched his head and followed Spock, wondering why Han Solo was able to raise his...sword.

**Oh no! Separated once again!!! However, in any epic romance there must be turmoil. Let me know what you think. Comments? Suggestions? They feed my writing so anything is appreciated. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks to all the reviews and favorites! I would love even more! Have a demented idea? Share it and maybe it will make its way in.**

"What will we do, Spock?" Sulu queried, "How will we find him?"

"I don't know, but when we do I'm going to scalp him," Spock answered.

Sulu said nothing, but the look of worry in his eyes spoke volumes. The thought of never being able to run his fingers through Han's hair didn't sit well with Sulu. What was he thinking? He shouldn't be thinking things like that!

"I may or may not know something about Han Solo's whereabouts," the robot Khan said evasively .

"What do you know? Tell us where he is you fucking sack of pig shit!" Spock yelled logically while backhanding the robot.

"Why should I tell you?" Robot Khan questioned.

"Because I'm gonna kill that mothafucka till he's deader than my dead mother!"

The quiet rage had slowly been building up in Sulu and it finally emerged in an angry shout.

"No, I can't let you kill him!"

The silence in the air was deafening. Spock slowly turned from robot Khan to stare Sulu in the eyes.

"What. Did. You. Just. Say?" Spock's voice was low and dangerous.

"Um…'No, I can't let you…fill him?'"

"Why would I want to fill him!? The only person I want to fill is our captain! Who has been taken! AGAIN!" Spock was yelling now, but he was being completely logical. After all, who didn't want to fill Captain Kirk?

Sulu slowly started backing away, but Spock wasn't going to let him get away with his transgressions. He advanced towards the lieutenant.

* * *

Meanwhile, Kirk was feeling very uncomfortable. All the women Han Solo captured as slaves were currently trying to seduce him. He wasn't very good in group situations.

"Um, who wants to learn how to get fresh looking skin with just a simple mixture of honey, lemon juice, and cocoa butter?" Kirk offered to the ravenous group of lady-slaves. They didn't seem very interested.

"….I read it in Cosmo…though I've yet to try it out," he finished lamely.

"JUMP THE MAN!" one slave cried.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT!" Kirk screamed! Much to his relief, the stopped their advance.

"Is this what you've been reduced to? A bunch of rabid animals? They may have taken our freedom but don't let them take your humanity!"

The women stared at the nervous looking man.

"We thought we'd give it a shot…I mean, chances are I'm gonna end up having to fuck something with four sets of eyes and a torso that looks like moldy cheese," one slave girl answered.

"Well…not all aliens are bad," Kirk mumbled.

"Ooooh! Look! He's got that look! You like an alien don't you?" one girl questioned with glee in her voice.

Kirk bit his lip and looked around at the rest of the prisoners in the holding area. With a sigh he made his confession.

"Yes…I do. He's just so dreamy!" he admitted with a sheepish smile. All the girls squealed.

"Tell us about him!" a girl pleaded.

It wasn't long until Kirk and the slave girls were talking animatedly about boys.

* * *

While Kirk was praising his true love, Spock was pining for his. Having finally gotten the final destination of Han Solo from the robot Khan, Spock relaxed a bit.

Spock and McCoy were enjoying a soothing honey, lemon juice, and cocoa butter face mask while Sulu looked on sadly. His face was without the sweet-smelling spread.

"Why can't I have any?" he complained.

"That is your punishment for saying illogical things, bitch," Spock answered.

"This feels great!" McCoy added, "How did you know about this?"

A wave of despair overtook Spock's all-too human eyes.

"A….friend…told me about it."

Sulu shifted uncomfortably.

"Um, guys, how is this gonna help us find the Captain?"

"Hey, shut it you pussy-licker! You don't know shit." Spock told Sulu.

Sulu was confused. Normally, the term Spock applied to him would be true. However, after his brief encounter with Han Solo, he wasn't sure about that anymore.

Then, through a random series of events where Spock came to some logical conclusions they finally caught up with the Millennium Falcon!

Spock put the ship in a tractor beam and teleported it to the cargo bay.

It was time to find the love of his life…

* * *

"So, I mean, we've come really close to you know, doing it, and I think I really want to. But I'm scared you know? I mean I've never been with a man before…well, that time on Hoth doesn't count." Kirk was bearing his heart to the other slave girls.

"Well," one responded, "I hear it'll be really good for you, I mean it was for me when I was a man."

"Oh yeah"

"Me too"

"Oh when I was a man I loved being with other men" The girls said one after another.

"Wait, you were all men at one point? No wonder I'm not vomiting! Hey, do you have any advice? I mean, is there anything I should do, before…you know?"

And the girls who were formerly men began to give Kirk advice on gay sex. But it was interrupted as the Falcon seemed to collide with something!

Kirk and the slaves girls began rolling around in the tumult, and Kirk got felt up by every single one of them. Finally the rocking stopped.

The Falcon had been beamed onto the S.S.S.S.S.S. Enterprise!

* * *

Spock ran to the ship with a led pipe in hand and started banging on the ship.

"Get the fuck out here! I have the worst case of blue balls EVER!" he howled with a dignified logic.

Han appeared with a laser ready.

"Stop banging my ship!"

"I'll stop banging your ship when I'm banging Kirk!"

Han only sneered, "I don't think so. He'll fetch a pretty good price, especially on some of the more homophobic closet-case planets."

"Let him go or I'll shoot!" Spock challenged.

"No you won't! What if I were to tell you I had a bomb strapped to your precious Kirk, and the minute you even try to hurt me, I'll set it off!"

Spock lowered his weapon, "Then we are at an impasse."

"Not necessarily!" McCoy chirped up.

"Do you mind if Kirk is blown up?" he asked Spock genuinely.

Spock looked at him with a profound wonder at the stupidity of the question.

"Yes I do mind, seeing as a bomb would kill him," he snarked back.

"DAMNIT, man! I'm a doctor, not a bomb specialist! How am I supposed to know what kills a person!" McCoy shouted.

"……you're a doctor. That's how you know."

Han rolled his eyes at the useless banter.

"Enough of this horse-shit. I'm going back in my ship, and if you don't let me leave in one hour, I'll kill Kirk," and with that Han strode back to his ship.

**What will happen? I think I know, but then again, maybe not. Reviews please and thank you mucho gusto! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks to all those who have reviewed and are appreciative of my wacky style! If you enjoy the lunatic musings of this story you'll enjoy being friends with Gaila Redshirt on facebook. Look her up and friend her! You'll see there are some similarities between her and a certain author…..**

"Let's think about this logically," Spock said urgently, turning to McCoy and Sulu.

"We have Han Solo trapped…..but Han Solo has the Captain trapped. If we don't let them go within the hour he will kill the Captain."

A silence followed as everyone thought.

"I have a plan!" McCoy yelled as all attention turned to him.

"Here's what we do. I'm going to suggest we just forget about the whole thing. Then Spock is going to bitch me out and slap me around a little. Sulu will then begin to cry because he's always had a problem with conflict. I'll say, 'Stop it Sulu! I just want to have some pizza!' Then Spock will get all 'We can't get a pizza right now! We have to figure this out!' Then I'll say 'We'll have time to order one and they'll get here in thirty minutes, so that leaves us a half hour to come up with a plan!' You all will finally agree with me and then we'll debate for ten minutes over what kind of pizza we want. We'll fight and fight because I'll want pepperoni but Spock will want some kind of vegan, tofu, goat cheese thing, and Scotty will then suggest we forget the pizza and order Chinese because it is cheap and quick. After that comment, Sulu will get mad and say 'What are you trying to say, Scotty?' Scotty will quickly clear up that he was making no racially insensitive comment. Spock will then yell at everyone because we'll have wasted a half hour arguing about pizza and questionable ethnic slurs. Then I'll say 'alright let's just beam onto Han's ship and take him by surprise!' Then you'll all think about it and agree."

McCoy finished and everyone looked at him completely dumbfounded.

"Okay, we'll do that," Spock finally said.

The next 40 minutes passed rather quickly. They did deviate from the plan a little bit. Scotty wasn't quite able to prove to Sulu that he wasn't making a racist slur. Scotty wouldn't be coming along to rescue Kirk as Sulu's rapier was currently stuck through his chest.

"I can fix that" McCoy yelled.

"But, it's your plan, bitch. You have to come." Spock replied. So they left Scotty to bleed on the carpet. "Okay, we have 20 minutes to take Han by surprise and rescue Kirk."

Spock, Sulu and McCoy beamed onto the Millennium Falcon.

* * *

Han Solo was flipping through the latest issue of Cosmic Cosmo when he was suddenly confronted with the crew members of the Enterprise that most people seem to care about.

"Are you letting me go?" he smirked.

Spock stepped closer as if to speak with the smuggler, Solo was yet another victim of the Vulcan's grip.

"Keep an eye on him," he yelled logically to Sulu and and McCoy.

With that, Spock ran to find his beloved Kirk.

* * *

"Girl, you call that a dance move?" Kirk sassed to a young slave girl who had just finished a complicated hip hop routine.

The girl talk had, naturally, led into an all-out, balls to the walls dance-off.

"I'd like to see you do better!" she challenged.

With a smug, self-assured grin, Kirk ripped off his shirt and struck a pose.

"GIMME A BEAT!" he yelled.

As a slave girl laid down a wicked beat box rhythm, Kirk began to pop, lock, and claim his dance title with several coffee grinders.

The girls broke into applause, and when it died down, only one pair of clapping hands remained; Spock's.

"That was an excellent physical display," he purred logically.

"Oh Spock you came!" Kirk squealed, jumping into Spock's arms.

"Is this the alien you like?" one girl shouted.

Kirk nodded shyly and it was followed by a chorus of "awwwwww"

"Come, we must leave," Spock said.

"Oh no!" said a slave girl, blocking Spock's exit, "You can't leave without showing of your dance skillz!"

Spock looked at her with a quizzical look, "Bitch, you couldn't handle the dance moves I got!"

"C'mon! Do it for your man!" she answered back.

Spock looked to Kirk, "Baby," he said with a sterile logic, "this one is for you."

With that, Spock gently let Kirk to the ground and made his way to the center of the crowd.

* * *

Sulu was having a difficult time watching over the smuggler's unconscious body. Just watching the man breath was making him feel tingly all over. Han stirred slightly and let out a groan. Without thinking, Sulu immediately bashed him on the head. He didn't want him waking up after all!

Maybe, Sulu thought, while he's knocked out, I can figure out why my body is reacting this way! So Sulu knelt down beside Han, unsure of where to begin.

He looks so sexy in those pants. Wait, where did that thought come from!? I'm not supposed to think smuggler's who kidnap my captain are sexy!  
_  
But sexy he is you think…_

Who's that voice? Sulu was very confused now. Why did it sound like Yoda was in his head.

_A quick touch, hurt anyone it will not._

I don't think I should be listening to you!

_Look at him, on the floor he is. Easy access has he._

Sulu had to admit to the voice in his head had a point. He reached out to undo Han's belt buckle.

Meanwhile, Scotty groggily got up from the floor. Luckily, he was able to drag himself to sick bay and have a nurse patch him up.

As he was leaving sick bay, an ensign who was currently carrying one of the many mood altering viruses that plague outer space, sliced him open with a pizza cutter.

* * *

"Ooooooooh yeah! Cha cha now, ya'll" a voice carried over the crowd of slave girls, Kirk, and Spock.

"Everybody clap your hands!"

Spock had impressed everyone on the dance floor and once everybody was completely infected with dance fever someone suggested they all do the Cha Cha Slide.

As we all know, who can turn down the chance to do the Cha Cha Slide?

Kirk and Spock were having a grand time cha cha-ing in each other's personal bubbles. Kirk's eyes grew wide in an excited recognition, "Oooh! My favorite part is coming up!"

Like every good tease, Kirk loved the "Hands on your knees! Hands on your knees!" portion. It was the best (and really only) way to obviously flaunt your ass in front of another person.

As Spock watched on with wonder as Kirk shook his ass, this part of the song quickly became Spock's favorite as well.

Spock went in for a good squeeze, when the ship lurched. They were moving! Hadn't Spock left Sulu in charge?

Kirk and Spock ran to check it out and there at the wheel was a very conscious Han Solo. What was especially curious was that Sulu was sitting in his lap.

"What the fuck is this?" Spock queried with an inquisitive logic.

"It seems your little friend here has a crush," Han smirked.

"I woke up to find him feeling up my trouser snake and it wasn't long before I had him wrapped around my finger."

Sulu blushed furiously and averted his eyes from the Captain and first officer.

"What happened to McCoy?" Kirk asked.

"What happened to your shirt?" Sulu answered with another question.

"I asked you first!"

"I think he's having a slice of pizza," Sulu finally answered.

Spock was fighting an intense amount of rage at Sulu and he turned to yell at him when he caught a glimpse of Kirk's bright blue eyes. He felt butterflies and then started to feel a bit of sympathy for Sulu. Who can resist a cavalier, space rogue? The question now was where the hell were they all going?

**If you are not familiar with the cha cha slide I suggest you look it up as it is a wonderful, Earth dancing tradition. Also, what'd you think? Let me know with your reviews and I still have yet to get some story suggestions. I'd love to hear some! Again, check out Gaila Redshirt on facebook! **


	6. Chapter 6

**So many romances springing in space! The lunacy continues. **

"So…so you two have a….thing going?" Kirk asked incredulously pointing between Sulu and Solo.

"What? You two thought you were the only ones with an intergalactic gay love affair?" Sulu replied with a finger snap, pointing at Kirk and Spock.

"How the fuck did you know about us?" Spock countered.

"You are rubbing Kirk's ass in front of us!" Sulu cried at the obvious display.

There was a silence, though Spock did not desist his ministrations.

"Um..that's my culture….that's how we greet each other…it's called the Vulcan Ass Pull…we do it all the time….what!? You don't know! You don't fuckin' know my life, bitch!" Spock reasoned logically. Sulu didn't know his fuckin' life.

Sulu only gave him a look that told him the jig was up.

"Alright, fine. Perhaps the captain and I have elevated our relationship. I must say you are very perceptive to see through my Vulcan stoicism."

"I don't even know what the fuck a Vulcan is and I knew you two were hitting it," Han added.

McCoy smirked and added more evidence.

"Yeah, just the other day I asked if you wanted to play a game of ping pong and you were all "No goddamnit! No No No! No, fuck no! Shut up, shut the fuck up! What don't you fucking understand? I need to get laid and I'm explicitly telling you that I want to get it on with the captain—just to clarify that is James T. Kirk, captain of the Enterprise. That's the guy I want to do it with, just so there is no question. Oh wait, did I just say that? I meant to say, I could really go for a cinnabon right now. I'll see you later, McCoy."

Spock considered what the doctor had to say.

"I do seem to remember something about a cinnabon…"

Spock smirked logically at the evidence that McCoy just brought to the table and simply rubbed Kirk's ass harder.

Kirk, with a smug little smile on his face replied to Solo, "Regardless of the fact that you've managed to seduce the only Asian-American on this ship, you still need to step back before I bitch slap you."

Han Solo simply gave Sulu's sword a little stroke and hit some buttons to start a landing pattern to the alien slave planet.

Bones, walking by munching pizza, shoved a sedative into Solo's neck, and Solo's head landed against Sulu's back.

"Bitch, that's what I'm talking about!" logically shouted Spock, throwing up his hand for a Vulcan high five. Apparently these complexities did not escape him.

* * *

Having landed, the crew of the Enterprise dragged Han's drugged body out into the foreign world.

"I'm surprised you didn't get upset when I knocked him out," McCoy said, giving Sulu an appreciative look.

"Eh…I think our relationship works better when he isn't awake," Sulu said with a dazed inflection, rubbing a single index finger along Han's cheek.

"Isn't that always the way," McCoy mused.

"Alright, let's dump him off and have Scotty beam us back to the Enterprise," Spock commanded.

"Excuse me," Kirk said, getting' all up in Spock's grill, "In case you haven't noticed, the captain is back and we're not dumping anybody!"

"Oh?" Spock queried with a raise of the eyebrow.

"If this is a slave planet and we're working for the Federation, a pretty philanthropic organization, it is now our mission to free these beings!"

McCoy scratched his head, "I thought we got lost on a three hour tour…you know, our tiny ship was tossed."

"…I think you're thinking of something else," Kirk replied.

"Captain, we do not have the man power to free all these people at the moment. Perhaps if we get back to the Enterprise we can meet with the Federation to organize a plan," Spock stated diplomatically…or at least it would have been had he not kicked the still body of Han Solo several times.

"Hmm, I guess you're right. But we're not leaving my new friends here! And if we just leave Han he'll only continue his slave smuggling!" Kirk reasoned.

"I have an idea!" Sulu cried with delight.

* * *

The bright white lights of the sickbay were none too pleasing to Han Solo. He was just waking from a blackout and the room seemed to be spinning. The grogginess quickly disappeared when he took note that he was no longer on the Millennium Falcon or the slave planet. He was back on the Enterprise. Even worse, he was tied down.

"Oooh! You're awake!" Sulu squealed, diving in for a butterfly kiss with Han.

"How did I get here? Let me go!"

Sulu applied a cool rag to Han's forehead, "I'm afraid I can't do that. I own you!"

"WHAT?"

"We didn't want to leave you to go back to your slave trading, so we thought why not make you a slave? I purchased you and you are now Han Sulu! Isn't that the cutest?"

While Han was being informed of his new life, Spock and Kirk were getting reacquainted.

* * *

"I must say I liked it when you reprimanded me in front of the others," Spock purred logically to the Captain who was now straddling him.

"Oh? You like to be punished when you're bad?" Kirk teased.

Spock allowed only a small smile to flash across his face.

"Maybe."

"Well I think I have just the thing for a naughty Vulcan," Kirk giggled.

"Yeah? I think I do too!"

Both Kirk and Spock turned to the source of the foreign voice, and both were displeased to see a very angry Uhura standing before them.

"Spock, what the hell! Like, 24 hours ago you were whispering sweet logical nothings into my ear,"

Uhura said, hands on her hips in a saucy manner.

"Oh shit," mumbled Kirk. "I had completely forgotten about you."

"As did I," added Spock. And then he grinded into Kirk's hips logically.

"Honestly, Nyota, baby, I was only thinking of James Tiberius Kirk whenever you awkwardly kissed me. And the logical sweet nothings? Ideas of how to seduce the lovely captain on top of me."

Nyota pouted. "Can I at least have a threesome?"

"NOOOOOOOO!" Kirk shouted, wrapping his arms around his Vulcan lover. "I am NOT sharing. Not with you, not with Bones, not with anyone!"

Uhura sulked out of the quarters as Spock logically claimed his captain's lips in a greedy kiss. "The complexities of human females escape me."

While Spock and Kirk boldly went where Uhura would never go, Uhura was planning a little revenge.

**What will her revenge be? You tell me! Anything is possible in a world with Han Sulu! Let me know what you think and please review, as it just fans the crazy flames. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Another exciting chapter and this time , folks, we is getting' political all up in your grillz. Not really. It's just as silly and ridiculous as ever. **

Uhura stormed off to the bridge, still pouting over this sudden, yet logical, betrayal. Little did the two lovers know that Uhura had stolen Kirk's captain log.

She cracked open to a page and started reading, "Dear Captain's Log…today I kissed a boy and I liked it, the taste of his…" She glanced at the date again. This entry was five years earlier than the current Spork loving. Who could this secret lover be? She searched around some other pages, and finding an answer, turned to her console and placed a call.

* * *

"Ohholyfuckingshit! What' you're doing to my Vulcan fun-hole is so fucking logical I…..just, talk dirty to me, Kirk!" Spock cried in logical ecstasy.

Obliging, Kirk had just the thing for Spock.

"A woman has at least 2 pairs of black gloves, 2 pairs of white gloves, and 2 pairs of red gloves in a drawer. The gloves will fit either hand; they are not right or left-handed and each pair is identical. If they are removed from the drawer 1 at a time without looking at the colors, how many must she remove to be certain she has a matching pair for herself and her daughter? Tell me, you fucking filthy logic slut!" He panted between enthusiastic thrusts.

"The answer is siiiiiiixxxxxxxx!" Spock squealed as Kirk hit a most pleasant angle.

"Oh, yeah that's it! Keep going! Live long and prostate!"

* * *

Luke Skywalker was sitting down to a delicious breakfast quiche when his phone rang. His ringtone, a rousing chorus of ABBA's "Dancing Queen" caused him to jump in surprise.

"Oh my goodness!" he cried, his hand flying to his chest as though to calm his heart.

"Hidey ho, this is Luke!" he answered cheerfully.

"Hello Mr. Skywalker, this is Nyota Uhura of the S.S.S.S.Q.S. Enterprise, "Let me get right to the point. Do you remember a man by the name of James T. Kirk?"

Uhura grimaced at the sound of someone choking on quiche on the other line.

"Um, no. No I don't know anybody by that name and I CERTAINLY never ripped off his shirt, and you shouldn't even consider insinuating that I taught him how to tie a cherry stem in a knot with his tongue!"

"Let's not play games, Mr. Skywalker. We both know what happened between the two of you."

There was an audible silence and Luke considered his next words. Yes, he had kissed a boy…Jim Kirk…and he had liked it! He still could never accept that he had those types of feelings for men and had devoted his life to becoming an extremist right-wing believer of the force and banning gay marriage in space.

Luke explained his predicament to the woman on the other line in a hushed, yet urgent manner.

"Just…. Please, promise you won't tell! It was all Jim's fault! He's such a tease!" he pleaded.

Uhura only smiled at the hand that she had just been dealt.

"Oh, Mr. Skywalker. Your secret is safe with me. In fact, you must share the same disgust with James Kirk that I have. If we work together on this gay space-marriage ban, we can bring Jimmy a great deal of unhappiness. I think it's time we bring opposite marriage to space!!" she finished with a contented chuckle.

* * *

Sulu was painting Han's nails a lovely shade of Coral, when Han couldn't take it any longer.

"Look, I don't think this is going to work. I can't be your slave! I'm a fucking smuggler! You can't own me!" Han Sulu had been going on in this manner for some time now. Sulu happened to think it was just the cutest thing when his new property's cheeks flushed red and his eyes flashed in rage. He was just too yummy!

* * *

Meanwhile, McCoy was trying to get a bit of spinach out from his teeth.

"Stupid pizza with vegetables. Who puts that on pizza? And when will those two be done?!" McCoy was in the room next to the Captain's and could hear everything. Granted, he wasn't in his room. He had broken into a yeoman's room so he could keep his ear to the wall and…play along. Eventually though, the spit and hit was no longer working and he was incredibly chafed. They were still going at it.

* * *

Luke Skywalker was attempting to listen to Uhura and her plan to ensure gay marriage would never be legal in space. However, all he could think about was that time when he kissed a boy and he liked it. He thought he had gotten rid of all those nasty thoughts about Kirk. Dirty nasty thoughts involving grape jelly and the force.

* * *

While Skywalker was only daydreaming, Spock was basking in the afterglow of the reality.

Spock and Kirk had finished their logical sex and were cuddling logically, whispering dirty, logical nothings into each other's ears.

They were also making a list of the future sexual acts they wanted to try.  
"I have read about this one. There is chocolate, and we lick it off of each other logically," offered Spock.

"Or…well you don't want to hear it," Spock said, shyly backing away from his idea.

"Noo! Tell me!" Kirk pleaded.

"Alright. I read it in Cosmic Cosmo and they said it was a move that would drive any man wild. Okay so first I gently shake you and shout, "Are you OK?" Then I Place the heel of one hand on the center of the chest, right between the nipples. I place the heel of my other hand on top of the first hand. I lock my elbows and position my shoulders directly above my hands. Next, I press down on the chest with enough force to move the breastbone down about 2 inches. I'll then compress the chest 30 times, at a rate of about 100 times per minute. After 30 compressions, I stop, open the airway again, and provide the next 2 slow breaths. Then, position my hands in the same spot as before and perform another 30 chest compressions. Continue the cycles of 30 compressions and 2 breaths."

"……that was in Cosmo?" Kirk wondered.

"It does sound a bit out of place….perhaps I am confusing what I read with CPR instructions…." Spock considered.

"Still……it sounds sexy!" Kirk giggled. "Though I personally love grape jelly and the Force."

"The what? Did you mention the Force? As in the Jedi?"

"…What?! No, you silly, silly illogical Vulcan!"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "If you say that again, captain, I shall be forced to punish you."

"Silly, silly illogical Vulcan, I bet you-" but Kirk never finished as Spock had pounced on top of the naughty Captain with a subdued logic.

* * *

Using his Jedi mind tricks, Luke Skywalker managed to come aboard the Enterprise undetected and made his way to turbolift 3. The doors opened and inside waited Uhura, completely naked.

"Oh jeepers creepers!" Luke screeched, "Why are you naked?"

"I think the question is, why aren't you naked?" Uhura purred.

"Um…..no, I'm still gonna go with why are you naked?" he returned, averting his eyes.

"I thought we could get things off to a fun start!"

"I'm sorry, Nyota, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage!"

Uhura's eyes lit up with a rash idea.

"Let's get married! Our marriage would set the perfect example for our cause!"

Luke jumped at the thought of marrying a woman. "Icky Squickies! Maybe we should ban all marriage…."

Uhura could see her attempt at getting laid was not her best laid planned. She rolled her eyes and led her new friend to her quarters, where she was made to promise she would put on clothes.

* * *

Sulu was carrying a perfectly adorable French maid's costume to his new boy toy, when he overheard Nytota talking to a voice he was unfamiliar with.

With an ear held closely to her door he could just make out their conversation and it didn't sound good. No gay marriage in space? The thought was deplorable! Space was the most fabulously gay place ever! Hell, it was covered with swirling galaxies of fuchsia and mauve and it was all glittery with stars. The cosmos practically matched Sulu's sexy-panties collection! He was devastated at the possibility of the ban himself, but he also knew that Spock and Kirk would not take it well. What to do? He decided he would confide in his beloved Han Sulu.

* * *

Luke Skywalker wished Uhura had put on more than lingerie, but at least her boobies weren't making him sick anymore. They had talked late into the night, and come up with a plan to stop gay marriage. Tomorrow, the hate would begin, and soon people all over space would be caught up in a debate that actually had no purpose.

Skywalker sighed, and resigned himself to sleep, where he and Kirk participated in his favorite fantasy…only this time, the jam was raspberry.

**Oh dear!! What crazy antics will ensue now? Review, and the crack addicted gnome that runs my brain will write! Thank you to all of those who have reviewed thus far, and I will again put out a plug for the Facebook profile for Gaila Redshirt. There are now pictures up that deptic that enthralling events of this epic story. Check it out if you like Star Trek and silliness. **


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello all you wonderful crack addicts! Are you ready for more wonderful times on the Enterprise? I sure am so let's get this goin'!!!!**

Han Sulu was struggling against his restraints as his new owner poured out his newfound problem.

"Then Uhura was all 'let's ban gay space marriage!' and I couldn't believe it! It was awful, I know she can be a little uptight, but this is crazy! Ooooh, sometimes I just want to rip off her clip-on pony-tail, and YES, it is a clip-on. I think things like that and I just tell myself 'Sulu, yes, ripping off that ho-queen's weave would make you happy, but for how long? It's not going to solve your problems and ultimately that is just one more bridge you've burned.' I try to center myself but it just makes me so mad. I knew I had to come to you. You're the only one who would care!"

Without missing a beat, Han replied, "No I'm not. I don't care. I don't think you're getting it."

Sulu paced back and forth, considering Han's words.

"Stop trying to make me feel better….look you're sweet to cheer me up, but this is a real problem!"

…..

"Um, I'm not being sweet and I'm not cheering you up. If anything, I'm trying to diminish your faith in everything," Han stated bluntly.

Sulu's face suddenly lit up. "You're right! I shouldn't just give up! If I think this is wrong I should fight against it!"

Han's stare reached a new level of blank.

"How did you get any of that from what I just said? Frankly, I don't care about any of this. I just want to leave."

Sulu turned to Han and looked deeply into his eyes. Han hoped Sulu realized how desperately one-sided this conversation was, but to no avail.

"Now all we need is a plan. I think you're right about talking to Kirk and Spock about this," Sulu said, rubbing Han's shoulder.

Han looked around the room for the other person he was certain Sulu was talking to.

"Are you….are you serious? I didn't even mention them. I didn't even say anything that could have sounded like that."

"Oh, you're just so helpful!" Sulu crooned, mussing Han's hair.

"Now!" Sulu snapped happily, pulling out a leash, "Let's go talk to Spock and Kirk!"

* * *

Sulu ran into the Captain's quarters, dragging Han behind him. "Captain! Captain!" He looked at the bed and saw Kirk's unmoving body, with Spock pounding on the captain's chest and then breathing into Kirk's mouth.

"Oh no!" Sulu exclaimed, flailing around. "Is he dead?"

"He's not dead, Jim, erm, Sulu," came McCoy's muffled voice from the other room.

"Nope!" Kirk chimed in. "Spock was just practicing his super-kinky CPR!"

Spock simply logically nodded his head and then thumped Kirk on the chest once more for good measure.

"What's up

"What's up, boys?" Kirk asked.

Sulu flew to the bed and perched down next to Kirk. "Captain, it's just AWFUL. Uhura and this guy are talking about banning gay marriage in space! I overheard it and I was just absolutely distraught. Do you hear me? Distraught. So naturally, I didn't know what to do, so I asked Hanny-kins, but he was just trying to seduce me, so I needed to ask you guys!"

McCoy opened a secret door between his room and the captain's quarters and walked in. "Ban space marriage? What kind of stupid thoughts has that woman pulled out of her weave this time?!"

"That fucking bitch U-whore-a!" Spock screamed with cool logic.

"Um….can we talk about the fact that this dude has a secret door to your private bedroom? Don't you find that a little disturbing?" Han asked, pointing to McCoy.

"I knew she took the break-up badly, but I didn't think she'd go to this level," Spock added.

"Seriously? Nobody is concerned that Dr. Creepy over here has secret doors and shit? That's not a concern?" Han badgered.

"I know! This isn't like Uhura. She must be really hurt, or high, or even crunk!" Sulu cried.

"…….so no takers on the secret pervert door?" Han added a final time. With nobody seeming to listen to him he finally rolled his eyes and played the Brady Bunch theme song over and over in his head.

Kirk patted Sulu's shoulder. "Do you know who Uhura was talking with?"

"I don't," Sulu replied, shaking his head and blinking back tears. "But he had a very soft, calm voice. One that seemed to be in control, but hiding…"

Kirk gasped. "No, it couldn't be!"

* * *

At that exact moment, Kirk was thinking of Luke and Luke was thinking of Kirk. The types of thoughts, though, were very different. Kirk was experiencing a forgotten nightmare that was a result of a drunken night during spring break. He had wanted to go to Cancun, but ended up on a miserable ice planet. Oh well, that's what you get for flying Southwest Airlines (Ryanair would be the European equivalent), he supposed. He and Luke hadn't gotten very far, but it was certainly regrettable.

Luke, on the other hand, was looking back on his hot Hoth night with fondness. It wasn't that he was particularly hung up on Kirk, though he never could resist blue-eyed, cha-cha slide experts. He smiled on the memory because it was the one night he was truly himself. Never before, or after, had he felt so free. In fact, he felt a song coming on…

"The castle of my heart, is always protected. It fears frowns, and tears, and sadness--it can't stand to be rejected," Luke started singing, as a swell of violins sounded as if from nowhere.

"So why should I wonder, why a boy won't take a chance? I can only ask, when will I get the chance to dance?" he started belting out as more instruments joined in.

As Luke sustained his powerful note, the beat suddenly picked up into a groovy, disco rhythm. A mirror ball flew down and colored lights flashed to the tempo.

A chorus of backup dancers wearing sparkly leotards leapt behind Luke. They twirled, swirled, and gyrated as Luke continued singing.

"I want the chance to dance, the chance to dance, I need my chance to dance!" he sang, completing several Chainé turns.

"Someday I know I'll try to fly! I'll fly off with my special guy! We'll fly the rainbow sky, so high but only……" Luke ran to his backup dancers who were quick to lift him up and form a pyramid below him.

Once on top, Luke sang out his final line with all the joy and music in his heart

"BUT ONLY IF I TAKE THE CHANCE TO DAAAAAANCE!"

The power and majesty of their song was severely undercut when Uhura marched in and broke up the dance number.

"Goddamnit! I'm trying to sleep and you have the freakin' cast of _Cats_ out here! This is _Star Trek_, not the _Starlight Express_! You need to sleep. We need to ban gay marriage and we're certainly not going to do that with musical theatre!" she screamed.

Luke never had a chance to reply, as Uhura stormed back to bed.

Someday, Luke thought wistfully to himself. Someday.

* * *

Spock logically pushed Sulu off the bed and with sound logic, slinked over to his captain and wrapped his arms around him. "Do you know the man to whom Sulu is referring?"

Kirk nodded. "Remember when I told you how terrified I was of Delta Vega because the ice planet scared me? It's because of the man I think is on our ship. Luke Skywalker."

Han came out of his Brady Bunch reverie and looked at Kirk. "The kid's on board? Why didn't anybody say anything to me?" Sulu, unhappy with the familiarity in Han's tone took the opportunity to grope his slave.

Spock frowned, logic tugging the corners of his lips down into a genuine half-Vulcan pout. "I see…and he was…"

"BABY NO!" Kirk shouted and subsequently snogged and stroked his sexy stoic.

McCoy licked his lips, loving when people applied alliteration.

"So we have to stop this Puke Hightalker!" squealed Sulu from the floor.

McCoy snuck out the secret door, grabbed his date rape…erm, medical…kit from the other room and returned. "We can take him out, boys."

* * *

After many hours of planning they made their way to Uhura's room.

"Okay, I'm going to run in screaming and throw my phaser at her head. Just like we planned," McCoy whispered to the rest of the group.

"WHAT? That's not at all what you had planned!" Han cried in frustration.

"I mean, not that I really give a shit, but you guys spent two hours coming up with constructive communication methods to resolve the problem. Hell, you even role-played! I know! I had to be Uhura! How does anything get done here?"

McCoy nodded his head in affirmation and motioned for everyone to follow his lead. He kicked open the door and everyone ran in screaming.

It would have been a perfect plan had it not been for the fact that Luke and Uhura were gone.

**AAAAAAAAAAAAAH OH NO! They're gone! Not even I know where they went!! What I can tell you is I have another silly willy story going on the Gaila Redshirt facebook page, and what's great about that one is it is acted out by the lovely Star Trek action figures (and a few other featured players) Check out an example from my deviantart account (oh yes, the crazy abounds to other websites) it's the same name and if you're offended by conga lines, I advise you not to look. **

**check it out and thank you to all the reviews. they are wonderful and make me smile and write dance numbers! give me another cup full of piping hot reviews**


	9. Chapter 9

**Such a lack of reviews last time, *tears* oh well, I bounce back….but only a certain amount of times. Am I boring you? Have I lost you? What is a laugh whore to do? Well this chapter is my attempt to woo you back and I have done so by creating a chapter that is orgasmically nerdy. I hope all the references are obvious, but if not then you'll have a reason to ask a fellow nerd and our nerd community will be even stronger!! So, enjoy this chapter; my love letter to my fellow nerds. **

"Where in name of mother-lovin' frak are those too?" asked McCoy, throwing his phaser at the ground. Magically, a trap door sprung open.

"AH HA!" exclaimed Spock logically. "A trap door!"

Everyone scurried over and looked into the door. "Hello!" shouted Sulu, listening to the echo and kicking his legs around happily.

"Where do you think this leads?" asked Kirk, about to jump in.

"Really?" asked Han. "You're just going to jump into a random trap door?"

Kirk kissed Spock. "Wish me luck, hunnybear!"

"No really! Random trap door – why am I the only one who things this is ridiculous?"

"No way, captain. I am coming with!" chimed in Spock and jumped down the trap door with him.

* * *

It soon became clear that this trap door was not in the original blue prints for the Enterprise. In fact, if Kirk had to guess, they were travelling through some type of worm-hole—and he was always dead on in identifying holes.

He wheeled and spun, limbs akimbo, as colors streaked past. His shrieks reverberated in the strange passage. His own yells of terror were soon a duet with the logical, shrill, howls of Spock who was plummeting after him.

The strange journey that felt as though it lasted both years and seconds, came to an end—and a most bizarre one at that.

"You're late," drawled a silky voice.

Kirk and Spock finally regained focus and found themselves on the ground, outside, and at night. In the distance loomed a castle, but right in front of them loomed a sneering, hook-nosed man.

They both wondered who he was, but there would be no times for friendly introductions as they were both grabbed up by their collars and led to the castle.

"Hello children!" chirped a friendly female voice, thick with a Scottish accent. Her politeness only faltered when she looked and Kirk and Spock and realized she wasn't talking to children.

"Oh…um well, you must be part of our, 'It's Never Too Late' program. I can see you've already been sorted," she said, referencing their shirts.

"Let's get you to the Hufflepuff table," she said giving Kirk a gentle shove into the dining area of the castle, "And you'll be over with Ravenclaw." Spock was given the same guidance, but to a different table.

"Woah, woah, woah," Kirk finally managed to get out. The entire population of the room stopped to look at him. He did seem to stand out in a crowd mostly comprised of children and robed ancient people.

"Look we didn't mean to interrupt your…." Kirk looked around, trying to piece together they type of event they had interrupted.

"Um…I really have no idea what you people are doing, but just going from the school uniforms and glittery robes, I'm guessing….fetish club? Anyway, sorry to barge in, but we need to get out of here. Do you happen to have any magical trap doors?"

One frizzy haired girl raised her hand eagerly, "We have lots of magic things here, after all this is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

"Hm, I see," said Spock, eyeing the girl, "And who are you?"

"Hermione" she answered without missing a beat.

"….okay that's fuckin' weird, even for me, and my name is Spock."

The two were immediately embroiled in an unofficial glaring contest.

"Hey!" Kirk cried, grabbing Spock's arm, "look over there. That looks like a trap door, let's try it out!"

The pair made their way to the possible exit, but were stopped by a young man with glasses, and a lightening shaped scar.

"Please, you must stay! We are in a desperate situation and we could use any help we can get. We must defeat the evil Lord Voldemort. He plans to wipe out all muggle-born witches and wizards and then aims to commit genocide against all muggles themselves! He has no compassion or mercy and has raised a malicious regime that this world has not seen since the likes of Hitler. Will you help us?" he pleaded.

"What the fuck? No! We don't give a shit about that!" said Spock, pushing the young man out of the way.

They quickly made their way to the trap door, and once again descended through a worm-hole.

* * *

This time, they spilled out onto some warm grass on the edge of a giant forest.

"Spock, I don't like this!" whined Kirk, grabbing onto his more logical half.

Spock sniffed the air. "It seems, Jim, that we have landed in Middle-Earth."

Kirk was about to respond with an "OH HELL NO!" when four tiny men popped out of the woods.

"Oh look, Sam! These people look as if they can help us!" one said, scurrying over. "Do you support the Dark Lord of Mordor?"

"What the hell is that? A book club?" yelped Kirk as he jumped into Spock's arms. Kirk hated small people. All of them. Especially that creepy thing that hung out with Scotty.

The little man's eyes guided themselves to Spock's ears. "Oh good! You are an elf! Isn't that lovely, Sam?"

"And what is with the robes?" Kirk yelled as he buried his head into Spock's neck. "And the matching broaches? I just want to go back where things make sense!"

"Excuse me," started Spock logically. "Can you please guide us to a magical trap door?"

"Oh no! Sam, these men want to see the magical trap door! But I think that would lead you to Mordor and the evil Lord Sauron!" The little man cocked his head and stroked the ring around his neck. "My preciousssssssssssss."

Kirk let out a whimper. "I don't like ring fetishes."

"That's not what you said last night," mumbled Spock.

The little man known as Sam stepped forward. "You must excuse Mr. Frodo. He hasn't been right in the head ever since I stopped letting him bend me over a little hobbit table. I mean, I know he likes it, but we're on a mission to destroy a ring and I just didn't think that it was right anymore. And Merry and Pippin keep whining because we haven't had a proper foursome with raspberry preserves after Second Breakfast in months, but again, I just didn't think it proper…"

Luckily, a smoking-hot regular-sized creature with long flowing blond hair came running up and slapped a hand over Sam's mouth. "Sorry about the hobbits. They never stop fucking whining."

"But we need to destroy the one ring to rule them all!" chimed in Frodo, tears streaming down his face. "Please, you must help us strange man and elf!" And then he cocked his head again and started rubbing his ring again.

"Fuck no, hobbits!" And then Spock let Kirk unceremoniously drop to the ground. "Holy shit, Legolas! Is that you?"

Legolas looked harder at the Vulcan. "Holy shit, Spock! No way! Oh my God, I haven't seen you since the family reunion. Oh my God, that was like, what, a decade ago?"

"Fuck yeah!" replied Spock with utter logic. "Remember how we got so fucking drunk and went out and got the tops of our ears pierced?! That was the fucking shit! And so damn logical!"

Legolas pulled back some of his hair. "I still got mine!"

"I do not. Starfleet made me remove it," Spock said with a logical pout.

"Damn. That's too bad. But what brings you here, cousin?"

"My lover and I jumped through two trap doors and found ourselves here. After narrowly escaping pre-pubescent know-it-alls, we were attacked by these little assholes."

"SPOCK!" yelled Kirk from the ground. "THE LITTLE PEOPLE ARE GETTING TOO CLOSE."

Spock hoisted Kirk from the ground and with another couple butterfly kisses, picked him up in his arms again. "And anyway, if you could find another trapdoor for us, that would be just motherfucking logically super," Spock finished, snarling at the hobbits.

"Oh God, yeah! Hell, I would love to get the fuck out of here myself. This is so not what I signed up for. The trapdoor is over there," Legolas said, pointing.

Spock nodded. "Thank you, cousin. See you at the reunion…oh, is that next week?"

"It is! I've got it in my Blackberry. See you then!"

Kirk swung out his legs and kicked the hobbits to the ground. "My compliments to fucking The Shire, bitches!" he yelled as Spock ripped open the door and jumped in.

* * *

Lifting up the next trapdoor, Kirk and Spock poked their heads out. Running at them was a skinny man with crazy hair wearing a nice suit and Chuck Taylors.

"Oh brilliant! You got here just in time! That's 23rd century Starfleet uniform, is it not? Oh, just brilliant! I need your phasers so I can just overload one and just toss it over into that mass of Daleks. A jif and a pop and they're out and gone! Oh yes! And you can hide yourselves in my TARDIS over there! Allons-y!"

Spock and Kirk looked over at the blue phone box, skepticism written all over their faces.

"It's bigger on the inside!" the man cried.

Kirk snickered. "That's what she said."

And then Spock heard it: "Ex-ter-mi-nate."

The lovers looked at each other. "Yeah. A-hell-no." And off they went, back into the trapdoor.

* * *

Once again they found themselves in a strange and new place. They were seated in what appeared to be a movie theater with a film showing on the large screen. Both Kirk and Spock were confused to see the friendly, Earth pagan, Santa Claus battling aliens of some sort.

"What's going on in this movie?" Kirk wondered aloud.

"That's Santa Claus and he is conquering the Martians," snapped an odd looking, golden robot.

"Why don't you two shut it, we're the ones supposed to be making the comments here," another robot piped in. This one appeared to be made of an old gumball machine.

"This movie is fucking awful," Spock whined.

"I know….that's why this is a punishment," said the only other humanoid in the room.

"The name is Joel," he said extending a hand, "Want to stay and finish the movie?"

"….Nah, you seem like you have things under control," Kirk answered for them, and with that they made another exit.

"Maybe this will finally be the right door, back to our own world!" said Kirk as they opened the newest trap door.

* * *

Nope.

Before them was a table surrounded by pale, young people.

"Hey! Are you guys playing or not? If you are, let me know, I'm the Dungeon Master," said a portly young man.

"Hurry up and fill out your character sheets," he continued handing Spock and Kirk the sheets, "Just pick your race, character class, alignment, and any powers or skills you have. Hey Mick," he called out to one of his friends, "hand me the polyhedral dice!"

"You know, I don't think we're going to play," said Kirk

"Yeah, bitches. You can't handle my race, character class, alignments or my fuckin' awesome skilllzzzz," Spock said, gettin' all up in the boy's grill.

"C'mon, Spock. Let's go," Kirk said, pulling Spock back to the door. Before they left, though, Spock slammed their bowl of Cheetos to the ground.

"Try and mess with that!" Spock taunted.

Nobody tried as Spock and Kirk left through the door.

* * *

Much to their relief, this time when they went through they found themselves in a familiar place, though it certainly wasn't the Enterprise.

They were in the Starfleet Academy science labs!

Uhura was there, holding beer, a football, and a Playboy magazine. "Oh no!" she said, and then threw the items into a replicator.

"Why the fuck would you do that, bitch?" asked Spock logically.

Uhura pointed one of her long, skanky, and badly polished nails at them. "Because! I have modified this replicator to change these items into a gas – a straight gas! So just in case politics doesn't favor my gay space marriage ban – science will!"

Kirk and Spock gasped.

"That's right boys, you'll be straight again! 100%! And Spock, baby, you will 100% love me again."

"Excuse me, U-whore-a," Spock chimed in, "I am only half human, and therefore will only love you, at maximum, 50%. Bitch."

Uhura paused. "I didn't think of that!" She burst into tears. "SPOCK, JUST LOVE ME AGAIN!" And as she threw her head down into her arms, her weave hit the "evaporate into the air" button.

**Reviews please? I live and love to make you laugh. Let me know if I did or what you'd like to see happen or things you don't want to see happen like "Hey Deliciousnewyork, no matter what you do you'd better NOT have Scotty carve a pumpkin," and I might have him carve a watermelon instead. Did you get all the nerd references? Peace out!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Warning: This chapter utilizes Shakespeare, potatoes, panties, and shout outs to other fanfiction writers. If any of that offends you, please keep reading. In fact, don't stop reading. Just read this offensive chapter over and over again. **

Scotty was in his quarters, reading directions and thoughtfully hovering knife over a watermelon.

"Okay, step one," he murmured to himself, "With a large, sharp knife, remove the top 1/4 section of the watermelon. With a melon-baller, scoop flesh from inside of watermelon…..damnit! I don't have a melon-baller! AAAGGH!" he started screaming and running around his room, stopping momentarily to hack insanely at the large fruit.

"Hey," McCoy greeted, entering through another one of his secret doors. "How's that watermelon bowl coming? The Ship Potlatch is starting in fifteen minutes!"

Scotty looked up from his watermelon, covered in seeds and pulp.

"I'M GIVIN' IT ALL SHE'S GOT! Do you happen to have a melon baller?" he added politely.

"I'm a doctor damnit, not a fruit sculptor!" he yelled, heading for the door.

"Be sure that watermelon bowl is done!" he added before leaving.

Scotty got back to work, but it wasn't long before he was once again interrupted. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of light. He glanced over to see Uhura standing in its place.

"Uhura! What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing?" she asked, bewildered by the splattered watermelon.

"I'm in charge of the fruit for the potlatch!" he answered proudly.

"Oh yeah! I totally forgot about that….so, everyone will be gathered in the mess hall?" she asked with a tinge of malicious hope.

This would be the perfect opportunity to get the ship on board with her cause, as Kirk and Spock were currently indisposed back at the academy.

"Yup, they'll all be there! Do you know what you're supposed to bring?" Scotty asked.

A dark look came over Uhura as she turned from Scotty.

"Oh yes. I will be bringin' the noise, Scotty. I'll be bringin' the noise."

And as Uhura left, the reverberations from her door slam made an unseen melon baller shoot itself into Scotty's heart.

* * *

"Friends, Romulans, Crewmen, lend me your ears!" shouted Uhura in the mess hall.

"I come to you to ban gay marriage, not to praise it.  
The evil that men do lives after them,  
The good is oft interred with their boners, So let it be with gay marriage ...

The noble Kirk  
Hath told you gay marriage was acceptable:  
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,  
And grievously hath Spock answered it ... Here, under leave of Kirk and the rest,  
(For Kirk is an honourable man;  
So are they all; all honourable men)  
Come I to speak in gay marriage's funeral ...  
He was never my friend, unfaithful and bitchy to me:  
But Kirk says it was okay and stuff;  
And Kirk is an honourable man….

He hath brought many victories here to the Enterprise,  
Whose dilitium did the general engines fill:  
Did this in gay marriage seem ambitious?

When that the poor have cried, gay marriage hath sodomized:  
Marriage should be made of sterner stuff:  
Yet Kirk says it was logical;  
And Kirk is an honourable man.  
You all did see that on the bridge  
He thrice mounted Spock like kingly crown,

Which he did thrice refuse: was this ambition?  
Yet Kirk says Spock was willing;  
And, sure, he is an honourable man.  
I speak totally to disprove what Kirk spoke,  
But here I am to speak what I do know.  
You all did love him once, not without cause:  
What cause withholds you then to mourn for him?

O judgement

O judgement! thou art fled to brutish beasts

And men have lost their reason…. Bear with me;

My heart is in the coffin there with gay marriage,

And I must pause till it is banded throughout the galaxy."

The mess hall was silent and Uhura thought that she had made an impression on the entire crew.

Chekov raised his hand. "Vhat the fuck did zat mean?!"

"It means that gay marriage is BAD and you are all sinners for supporting it!" she cried.

Luke Skywalker, who had been forgotten by all crew members and this author popped up, and added, "Yes, it's just wrong. The Force will send us all to a special hell."

Uhura shook her head. "He tells the truth, dammit! Kirk and Spock want to be legally married! What isn't wrong with that?"

* * *

Kirk and Spock were proving to themselves exactly what wasn't wrong with two men getting together. Uhura had mysteriously vanished leaving the two alone in the science labs. It was time for Spock to show Kirk how logically creative he could be in a science lab.

"Then you swirl the nitrous oxide and the carbon disulfide. Finally you ignite the mixture." Spock logically flicked a match into the mixture, creating a bright blue chemiluminescent flash, and logically enough a barking sound. Kirk began to copy the barking, after all, he was a fan of the canine style of lovin'.

"Oh Spock, give me more science!"

Before Kirk knew what was going on, Spock swept an adjacent counter clean of beakers and other science-y stuff. With a growl he lifted Kirk to a sitting position on top.

"I could show you how to power a clock with a potato," he purred, positioning himself between Kirk's legs.

"I want you to power my clock with your potato," Kirk answered back, his hands lowering to Spock's half-Vulcan ass.

They both stopped for a moment to consider the implications of the innuendo.

"You know….I'm not sure what that means…" Kirk finally said with uncertainty.

Spock just shrugged, "How about we just do it in the Science lab?"

"Okay!" Kirk readily agreed.

As they were getting down to the business of getting down, someone stumbled through the door to the lab, and they weren't alone.

"Let's just go in here, there's never anybody in here," giggled a female voice. "Oh shit! So sorry! Didn't realize that the lab is occupied!" Then a short pause. "Jim?" asked Winona Kirk.

"Mom!" yelped Jim.

"Father?" Spock screamed logically.

"Spock." replied Sarek.

There was a long, long, long, long pause. So long that you would have time to get a refill on popcorn.

"Dad, what the fucking hell are you doing in here with Jim's half-dressed mother!!" Spock yelled with cool logic.

"Oh Jimmy!" replied Winona Kirk as she put her pants back on. "It was in my last message to you! Sarek and I are getting married!"

Spock and Kirk looked at each other. "Bullshit," they both said.

"Not at all," replied Sarek. "I seem to prefer human females who do not have any inhibitions about being nasty in bed. You know me son, I like a Vulcan in the street, but a freak in the bed."

Winona Kirk finished adjusting all her clothes (Sarek kept his robes wrinkled and off-kilter). "Oh this is SO exciting! You two will be brothers" she finished this statement with another giggle.

Kirk felt chills run up his spine. Brothers? Could they even be together if they were brothers? Would their parents' happiness keep them apart as effectively as the imminent ban on gay space marriage? Kirk was completely conflicted with his thoughts. What if he never got to hold Spock again, give him logic puzzles? Practice CPR?!?!?!?!?!

What if this was the end!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!

"Dear, have you seen my bra?"

Kirk grimaced as his mother searched around for it. Sarek began checking his person, and the flash of discovery crossed his face when he felt his chest area.

"Shnookie," he said tapping Winona, "I believe I'm wearing it. Remember? I wanted to see if it would look good with the panties you got me."

Spock gave his father a dead stare.

"Holy-fucking-jesus-christ-going-down-on-buddah-while-doing-a-line-of-cocaine-off-a-dead-hooker's-ass-shit-motherfucking-piss-bitch-fucking-admiral-pike-violating-justin-timberlake-with-a-donkey's-scrotum!" Spock screamed with a smooth logic.

"That is disgusting, dad," he finished.

* * *

Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Uhura was not doing as well as she had hoped. Nobody was appreciating her Shakespearean speeches. All they seemed to care about was Sulu's home-made pasta salad.

She made a quick stop to the bathroom to freshen up. She had decided to make one final go at it and in order to do that she needed more lip gloss. She was surprised, however, to find the mess hall vacated upon her return.

"Where did everyone go?" she wondered aloud.

After a few minutes of wandering around, she finally stumbled upon the crowd in the recreation room. Every computer was occupied by at least three people, and everyone was staring intently at the screens. The room was dead silent.

"Uh….what is everyone doing?"

She was answered with an enormous "SHHHHH" from the crew.

"No, seriously! What the hell is everyone doing?"

Knowing he would not be able to finish reading in peace, Chekov stood to answer her question.

"Lanaea just posted the new chapter of _Home_ on fanfiction net!" he said with a snark that told Uhura the answer should have been obvious.

"What? What's that?" she asked incredulously.

Scotty, having overcome his melon-balled heart syndrome, stood up and rolled his eyes, "Um it's like only my favorite story, ever!"

As she became more and more baffled, Luke Skywalker caught up with his partner.

"What's going on?" he asked her.

He too got a large SHHHHHHHH.

"They're reading…um….what was it again?" she asked the crew.

"_Home_. The new chapter is up!" everyone answered in a cheerful unison.

"I'm getting out of here," she said with a huff, and turned to leave.

"Yeah…I'll be right there," Luke called after her. He checked to make sure she was out of sight when he cautiously walked over to the computer where Sulu, Han Solo, and McCoy were huddled.

"……mind if I read?" he asked quietly. They nodded eagerly and scooted to accommodate the newest reader.

**The chaos never ends! Yes, that was my shout out to Home, a lovely story that I'm sure all of you are reading (like myself and the crew of the Enterprise) Bonus points for those who know the Shakespeare play Uhura uses. Triple points for those who can guess the color of Sarek's panties. Reviews please, I love to hear what you think! A special thank you for all of those who review and share in the laughs. I added all the extra Spock swears just for you!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Triple double awesome points to those who guessed about the play and the panties and even more(these points are accepted at most Gap Outlets, btw) to those who guessed right. I'm glad we're all enjoying Home, the people in my story sure do, and it might even have a profound effect….**

"Okay. When Spock came to pick him up from the bar, I just wanted to die! I loved it sooo much!" Luke Skywalker squealed with delight to the rest of his company.

After reading another scrumptious chapter of _Home_, the crew of the Enterprise had sequestered off to their own discussion groups. Having just read it for the first time, Luke was relaying all of his favorite moments to McCoy and Sulu.

"O.M.G. I nearly forgot! When they talk about going for a vacation in the desert and Spock gets all smiley! Well, I'll tell you, when I read that I just wanted to gather up every kitten in the universe and knit them pink fuzzy sweaters!" Luke added.

"I know! Isn't it great? We love all of the hand flirting moments. Isn't that right?" Sulu questioned his personal slave, whose lap he was currently occupying.

Han Solo made a big show of rolling his eyes and making it seem like he didn't care. "Sure. Whatever," he snarked out.

His inner thoughts were quite different though, _'I soo hope Sarek is accepting of Jim and Spock!' _

"Too bad our Kirk and Spock aren't that adorable to watch," McCoy sighed.

"I know! Our Kirk and Spock are like dirty little fuck-monkeys!" Sulu noted.

They continued their conversation excitedly but were soon interrupted by a very angry Uhura.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" she screeched and Luke, "We have plans…and is anyone flying the ship, by the way?"

Realization hit Sulu and Chekov that currently, the bridge was unoccupied.

"We're on it!" they cried running out.

"Anyway, I don't think your behavior right now is very conducive to our project! Think straight!" she shouted, ending with a whack to the back of Skywalker's head.

He began to leave with Uhura, a sea of eyes watching him leave with his head hung low. In those few shameful steps he started thinking. What sort of life was he leading?

"No," he said quietly.

Uhura turned, looking him dead in the eyes. "What?"

"No," he said with more confidence, "I'm not going to be this person anymore!"

Luke stepped gallantly into the center of the rec room and stood up on a table.

"Excuse me, may I have everyone's attention? I know that recently you have heard about my affiliation with the movement to ban gay space marriage," he started.

"Not really. We've been paying attention to things that matter like health care, the Iranian election and updates on Home," shouted a random voice in the crowd.

"Right. Okay well anyway I just wanted to say that four score and seven years ago in a galaxy far away, I had a dream. A dream that I may one day meet a nice boy, settle down and adopt some Ewoks from Endor. It didn't seem like too much to ask, but then one day my aunt caught me and a friend…um..er, 'playing.' I told her we were just practicing some light saber moves, but she didn't believe me and told me how evil I was being. Ever since that day I've been living a lie…however, there was that one time I fooled around with James Kirk and…well, by a show of hands, whose been-there-done-that?" he posed the question to the listening audience.

After a few embarrassed glances around the room, every person and alien present had their hand up. Even Uhura admitted with a tentative wave of her hand.

Luke was really taken by surprise when even the food replicator started beeping to indicate a past tryst with the captain.

"Wow…even the…really? How did he? You know what….not important," he said, "Anyway, so I too have messed around with Kirk and it was the only true time I was free. I'm here to say now that I am a proud, gay, Jedi, and if I get a little too excited at the sight of another healthy, young Jedi unleashing his light saber, I DON'T CARE. I ask all of you to open your minds, for I will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your first…..and if you happen to be a tall, good looking man, please consider re-clenching that fist in my private quarters a little bit later on."

Everyone erupted into applause and Luke beamed at his audience. He was content in thinking everyone was moved by his speech, but really they were clapping because they had just found out that the hiatus on Home was soon to end. Either way, everyone was happy. Even Uhura finally relented and reconsidered her actions. She wasn't actually opposed to gay marriage….she just hand personal revenge issues to work out. In an effort to take a positive step Uhura finally sat down at a computer.

"Alright. I'll read it!" she announced and clicked on chapter one.

* * *

But back on Earth, even though the playboy Kirk had finally found his soul mate, they were faced with yet another obstacle.

"You two are together? Oh hellllllll no," said Sarek with a logical emphasis on 'hell.'

"But daaaaaaad!" replied Spock. "We're in love! I searched the galaxy and battled a Khan robot to win my snugglecakes back!"

"Spock, this is unacceptable. I'm sorry, but you have to spread your wild oats into a Vulcan female. Preferably multiple Vulcan females. In fact you can go buck wild and fuck as many Vulcan females as you want. But no human males. Especially not your future brother."

"MOMMY!!!!!!!!!" Jim wailed and wrapped his arms around Winona's legs. "Tell my new daddy that Spock and I love each other! Please! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Also, I want a cookie dough blizzard!!!"

"Besides, father," added Spock. "If you are so concerned with the future of our population, shouldn't you be getting buck wild with Vulcan females?"

Sarek snorted logically. "Spock, you know that I've been shooting blanks ever since the nail gun accident when you were six."

Spock logically punched his fist into a wall.

"And son, I've been in contact with T'Pring. She survives. And that dumbass Stan that she was going to leave you for died in the attack. So you're good."

"EWWWWW" screamed Spock with intense logic. "She's almost as icky as Uhura!"

"Now, Jim," Winona soothed, prying her son off her legs and standing him up. "Don't fuss about this. It's for the best! We can get you another boyfriend," she offered like a mother would offer to replace a child's fallen ice cream cone.

"But I don't wanna 'nother boyfriend! I want my old one!" he pouted, stomping the ground.

"Sweetie, don't you have a ship you need to be captaining?"

"I'm not leaving without Spock!" he cried, pulling said Vulcan into a tight embrace.

"Spock is coming with us to have dinner to meet T'Pring and you need to go back to your ship."

With that she gently took his communicator and contacted the Enterprise.

Sulu and Chekov were the only occupants of the bridge, so it was Chekov who got her message.

"Hello, this is Mrs. Kirk to the Enterprise," she said, a bit surprised at the sound of Chekov's young and curious voice, "Is there an adult I could speak with?"

"Just a meenute!" Chekov answered.

"SUUUUULUUUUUUU!" hey yelled, beckoning Sulu to take the message.

"I'm right here! You don't have to yell," he chided, taking the call, "Hello?"

"Hello, dear. This is Mrs. Kirk and I'm just calling to say I'm going to drop off Jimmy and if you need me you can reach me on my cell, okay?"

"Okay, Mrs. Kirk!" he said cheerily.

"Oh! I'm also sending along some brownies and kool-aid, you kids make sure you share!"

"Will do Mrs. Kirk!"

"Mommy Kirk out!" she chirped.

She handed Jim the brownies and pitcher of kool-aid and saw him off as he was beamed back to the ship.

Kirk reappeared in the transporter room with brownies, kool-aid, and a pissy attitude. He ran up to the bridgem grabbed Sulu's collar, and shook the only Asian-American on board. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT? THEY MADE ME LEAVE SPOCK!"

"We really like zee brownies, Keptan. Your mom ees zee best!" answered Chekov as he grabbed the brownies from Kirk and started shoveling them into his face.

Sulu, in return, just looked at Kirk wide-eyed. "You didn't have Spock with you?"

"No! His dad and my mom are forcing him to go to dinner with that slut wife of his!"

Sulu gasped. "Oh my God…if we don't get you back together…Home will never happen." Tears sprung to his eyes. "Oh Captain, I've made a horrible, horrible mistake!" Sulu jumped up from his station, whipped out his sword, and bowed before Kirk. "I swear on my life that I will help you retrieve your Vulcan lover, so you can make loud, sweet love to him, and cuddle him, and hold him, and do the whole two-finger kiss thing, even if they are for my own selfish Home needs, or my name isn't Hikaru Sulu."

Kirk patted Sulu's head and wiped a tear away. "Thanks, man."

"Do I have to help or ken I feenish zee brownies?" asked Chekov from his station.

"Dammit, Chekov!" Sulu yelled, weeping openly, "Of course you have to help!"

"I ken do zat! On one condition, Keptan."

"What is it, Chekov?" Kirk answered.

"I will help you win back your Wulcan lover if you agree zat upon his return you two will act out Home for zee entire crew."

* * *

In another part of the ship, a secret door was opening into Luke Skywalker's quarters.

"Hey, Luke," Uhura greeted gently.

"Oh. Hey."

Uhura stood awkwardly in silence for a moment. Clearly Luke wasn't going to speak first so it was up to her.

"I'm sorry I got you involved in all of this…"

"No! I'm glad you did! I learned to accept myself and other shit like that," he said with a genuine smile.

"So," he continued, "Are you all caught up with Home?"

Uhura froze up, but finally broke down.

"Yeees! I never thought I'd say it, but I am now officially a K/S shipper!"

"Aw that's so great! Hey, c'mon! I hear they have brownies on the bridge!

Luke and Uhura were excited to tell everyone they were over their hate-spewing bullshit, but were surprised to find the entire crew looking particularly….relaxed.

"Do you know what's really weird?" Kirk observed, his legs slung over the arms of his chair. "Tree-houses. They are soooooo weird, man. Like….they're just out there. I mean think about it. A Tree house is made of wood, right? And like a tree is made of wood, but the wood is alive and that's why it's called a tree. And wood is dead trees! So a tree house is a living tree with dead trees nailed to it! That's like nailing parts of dead people to living people!" Kirk finished his theory and took another bite of the very interesting brownies. They seemed to have an extra ingredient that he couldn't quite figure out.

Sulu and Chekov stared at Kirk through red, cloudy eyes.

"Woah," Sulu replied.

"Voah," Chekov agreed.

"Wooooooah! My hand has a twin!!" Sulu exclaimed, laughing hysterically.

"What the hell?" Uhura wondered aloud. She didn't have time to get an answer, though, as she was getting a message.

"Hello, Enterprise?" came the voice of Winona Kirk.

"Yes. To whom am I speaking?"

"It's Jimmy's mom, who is this?"

"….I'm Uhura. Look, if you need to talk to Jim he is a little out of it right now," she said, looking back at Kirk who was currently licking his own knee.

"Oh dear, that's what I was afraid of. Well, there's been a mix-up. I sent some brownies along with him for the crew, but it seems I gave him my special 'mommy-only brownies.' Just make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble. Oh! That's my other line! Talk to you later, dear."

Uhura sighed. It would be up to Luke and herself to watch over the unknowing stoners.

She looked over to see Luke taking a generous bite of a brownie.

Make that just Uhura.

**Drug use?? Scandal! If we're all too offended Kirk and Sulu might have to do a public service announcement. I have yet to decide at which restaurant the dysfunctional family will be dining. Suggestions? Thank you to all of those who have reviewed, please do it again! It makes my day and it makes the story exponentially crazier. You know what else makes my day? Crazy videos on youtube and if spirktrekker hasn't already mentioned it somewhere I would like to recommend the video "****Kirk and Spock, Rescue Rangers****" Three out of four doctors say it provides 60% of your daily recommended jollies. Thank you and good night!**


	12. Chapter 12

**So, last time we dealt with some hard-hitting stuff, and I think we need a special start for this chapter, considering the deplorable behavior exhibited in the last one. **

* * *

**Public Service Announcement**

**Kirk**: Hey, kids. Last chapter featured a bit of controversial behavior, and my friend Sulu and I wanted to take a minute to talk to you about it.

**Sulu**: That's exactly right. Did you know every three minutes someone is affected by pot brownies? Three out of four doctors agree that the statement I just made could possibly be 78% true.

**Kirk:** If you think eating pot brownies is 'just a good time' you need to think again. Side effects of pot brownies include paranoia, dry mouth, boogie fever, jelly legs, chronic ambivalence, inflamed pinky fingers, jazz squares, spontaneous reproduction, explosive lice invasions, and the odd desire to invest in llama farms.

**Sulu:** Is that really worth the 'good time'?

**Kirk:** If you, or someone you know is addicted to pot brownies please call the Betty Crocker Clinic and check yourself in immediately. Or, at the very least, take the unique opportunity to show up cracked out to a high school reunion, and claim you invented the pancreas.

**Sulu:** Take it from us, kids.

**In unison:** Pot Brownies don't pay! They do sting.

**Kirk**: Wait….what? What does that mean?

**Sulu:** I don't know. I was high on pot brownies when I wrote this.

**End of Public Service Announcement. Now back to your regularly scheduled crazy. **

* * *

Back in San Francisco, Sarek had bungee-corded his son and was forcibly dragging him to the Hooters across the street. "Now Spock, T'Pring is a very lovely Vulcan woman. She will make a good wife for you. She's very logical."

As the trio of Sarek, Winona, and bound!Spock entered Hooters, a beautiful Vulcan woman leapt up from a booth and rushed over to the party. "OH. MY. SURAK! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!" she shrieked and tackled Sarek and Winona into a double hug. "I missed you guys like so much! Oh my Surak!" She stepped back and screamed. "Is this Spock?! Oh my Surak, he's so different than the little boy I was forcibly engaged to!!!!!!" She climbed onto the floor and snuggled next to him. "Hiiiii Spock. Damn, you're pretty now. Is it the human in you? Can I have a little half-human in me?" She giggled loud and raucous and then jumped up and dragged her husband over to their booth.

Spock logically started checking his person for a suicide pill.

T'Pring pulled Spock into the booth next to her and motioned for Sarek and Winona to sit across from the happy couple. T'Pring then wrapped her arms around Spock.

"Oh Spock!" she said, nuzzling her head into his neck. "I love you SO much. I can't believe that I even thought about leaving you for that icky Stonn! He's so square and boring and BLAH logical. A girl needs other things in her life – am I right?!"

Spock knew that appealing to his father was useless, so he looked logically at Winona. "Mrs. Kirk," he said softly. "Help me."

Winona Kirk looked deeply into Spock's eyes and felt something stirring deep within her. Was it pity? No, she was just really horny and Sarek hadn't screwed her in a while. It had been about 46 minutes. But the longer she looked in his eyes, the more she realized she wanted her son to be as happy as she was. Sarek was fantastic in bed, and her little boy deserved someone who could make him...happy. It was logical that the son would have gotten something other than the bowl cut and pointy ears from his father. She gave him a slight nod to let Spock know she would do whatever she could.

* * *

Back on the enterprise, the crew hadn't quite been able to muster enough strength to formulate a plan. Everyone was desperately searching for something to eat.

"Oh God! I'm sooooooooooo hungry? Are you going to eat that pizza?" Chekov quickly snatched his pizza away from a ravenous McCoy.

In the ensuing chaos, Han Sulu was seeking a way off the enterprise. With Sulu preoccupied with Home and pot brownies, he was able to pick the locks of his chains. Now it was time to find his ship and get the hell out of here. He spared a brief thought for the kid. After all, who knew what Luke had gotten himself into. Then he shrugged his shoulders and went on his way. There was no one to stop him from leaving now. His name was Han SOLO god damnit! What he didn't count on was a high, and obviously horny Chekov trying to make up for his lack of appearance in this story by screwing whatever was in sight, and Han was right in his path!

"Hey yooou," he purred, running his fingers along the edges of Han's leather vest.

"Did you know Russians inwented the art of seduction?"

"Ummmm I know they invented the AK-47…..which isn't very sexy," Han stammered.

"It depends on how you use it," Chekov replied, closing the gap between them.

"Um no. I can't really think of any scenario where its use would be sexy. Horrifying and violent? Check. Sexy? No."

Chekov smirked at him. He could come up with a sexy AK-47 scenario. He wasn't a super genius for nothin'.

Meanwhile, Uhura was injecting the stoned members of the crew with hypo-sprays full of pepper-up potion. It was a lovely little concoction that Kirk and Spock had picked up in their trap door travels.

Gradually, the crew found themselves returning to their normal selves.

"Hey, I can't smell colors anymore!" Sulu noticed.

"You think that's weird? I think the food replicator was hitting on me," said Kirk.

"Whatever!" Uhura interjected, "The important thing is you're all sobering up and we can figure out how to get Spock back with Kirk!"

"Fuck yeah!" Kirk shouted with glee, but then faltered when he realized who he was strongly agreeing with.

"Wait….huh wha huh? Say whaaaat?" he questioned.

"Oh that's right! You don't know," said McCoy.

McCoy knew it was up to him to catch everyone up.

"Okay, so while you and Spock were traveling through nerd land, Uhura and Luke Skywalker were trying to incite a ban on gay marriage through Shakespeare. Her efforts failed, though, when she found that everyone had been reading the wonderfully crafted fanfiction, _Home_, which is a tale that artfully brings Kirk and Spock together in love. Luke Skywalker realized he was here, he was queer, and people were going to get used to it. Mostly, Uhura would have to get used to it and she did by reading the story as well. Having her heart thoroughly melted, she saw the error of her ways and has decided to help reunite you and Spock."

"Wait, wait, where is Spock?" Uhura asked.

"Oh that's right! You don't know," said McCoy.

"Okay, so while you were in hateful bitch land, Spock and Kirk went through a series of trap doors that led them to the academy science lab. They met briefly with you but were soon left alone. They took advantage of the situation and immediately started feelin' up on each other's goodies. It wasn't long before they were interrupted by their parents and were not anticipating the shocking twist in which they were dating and planning a wedding. Sarek, upon discovering his son's relationship, split them up, having promised Spock to T'Pring."

"Wait! Why do I smell like pineapples?" Sulu asked.

"Oh that's right! You don't know," said McCoy.

"After you had eaten five brownies, you claimed you were a giant space squid and you needed to get to water. You retired to your private quarters and got in the shower. You let the water run down your naked backside for about 17 minutes while you sang songs from the hit musical, _Dream Girls—One Night Only_ was by far your best. You then looked around the shower for some sort of body wash. Finding none, a person emerged from a secret door—I can't be certain who it was, because it certainly wasn't me—handed you pineapple scented body wash."

Everyone simply stared at the seemingly all-knowing doctor. Sulu looked particularly violated.

But the awkwardness was soon forgotten as a ruckus popped up from outside the bridge.

"But we could make sveet, Russian music togezer!" screamed Chekov. Sulu jumped up, still smelling like pineapples and still feeling violated.

"That sounds like an underage Russian hitting on my baby, Han Sulu!"

* * *

Back on Earth, Spock was searching for a spork to impale himself on.

"And then I was about to buy this flipping cute pink scrunchie and the mall, even though scrunchies are so not in right now, I thought I could make it work with my coloring and hell, someone has to bring them back! If Justin Timberlake can bring back sexy, I can totally bring back scrunchies, right? And I mean, it was only like 3 credits, and T'Paff was all, 'Get it gurrrrrl, it'll be so hot for Stonn and stuff,' and I was all, 'Oh my Surak, I knooooooow!!!!' But then I felt the earth move under my feet, I felt the sky tumblin' down, a-tumblin' down and I was all, 'Oh my Surak, this planet is all a-bustin' up! I better like, get off of it or something, right?' So that's when I snuck onto this pleasure cruise that was like, leaving Vulcan!" T'Pring said, finishing up her hour-long account about how she escaped Vulcan.

Spock was ready to logically Vulcan nerve pinch her to death.

Sarek and Winona were strangely calm. Spock mused that it was the brownies that Mrs. Kirk had found in her purse, sniffed, and with a happy yelp, shared with her fiancé.  
"So tell me how you avoided being sucked into that silly back hole," T'Pring asked Spock, tracing one of her fingers Spock pretended that it was Jim wearing a golden bikini, holding chocolate sauce, swaying his hips to a non-descript techno beat, reciting the instructions to CPR, and suddenly Spock was calmer. And had a logical raging boner.

* * *

Sulu glared with rage at the impertinent boy who would dare try and steal his slave...love....Chekov was currently in nothing but a crotchless leather thong (his lucky one) holding an AK-47 that he had decorated with glitter.

"Chekov, get the fuck away from him!" Chekov however, had missed the injection of pepper up and was currently brandishing his weapon about. Both of them. While singing a Russian love song

"Я уплываю и вpемя (I'm sailing away and time)

Несет меня с кpая на кpай. (is bringing me from edge to edge)

С беpега к беpегу, (um….something about bears)

С отмели к отмели, (I wanna hold your….something…clock radio?)

Дpуг мой пpощай. (This line is too unspeakably filthy to translate. In fact, I'm pretty sure it is illegal to even think about it. My God. I need brain soap.)

"Dammit, we don't have time for this" McCoy shouted, staring at the underage boy.

Sulu was not to be deterred. Han Sulu belonged to him. He had the paperwork to prove it. He knew he had to challenge Chekov to a duel!

He pulled out his retractable sword, extended it, and made his way towards Chekov.

"Oh fuck, let's get the fuck out of here! we need to get Spock! I want to have sex again" Kirk shouted over the gun/sword fight.

Witht that, Kirk, McCoy, Uhura, Luke, Scotty, and Han Sulu went to find Spock and make sure he didn't have to be with that dumb slut bitch.

* * *

While Sarek was complaining about his onion fritters to the kitchen staff, and T'Pring was in a glazed over stupor having thought about geometry, Winona took the opportunity to share the plan she had hatched with Spock.

"Alright, I think we both know that Sarek can be very stubborn and unwilling to try someone else's idea," she started.

"I know! When I was just a child I asked my father if I could try a faux-hawk instead of a bowl-cut, so I tried…"

Winona rolled her eyes, "We don't have time to get into that baggage now. What I'm saying is if you want to be with Jimmy you're going to have to get your father to come to that conclusion himself."

"But how will I do that when he's dead set on having me marry T'pring?" Spock asked with great worry.

At the sound of her name, T'pring fell out of her daze, "What? Did you say my name?"

Spock so did not want to deal with this hot mess of stupid.

"Hey T'pring, do we benefit from learning about the flaws of people we admire and respect? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations," Spock directed.

T'pring got to thinking about the question and was soon lost again in a stupor.

"Okay, so anyway," Winona started once again, "We just need to get Sarek to cancel the wedding and I think we can do that if we plan the biggest, most expensive, and straight up illogical wedding ever. He'll see it's a bad idea and you'll be off the hook!"

**The Starfleet issue boot is on the other foot! Kirk must rescue Spock! Any ideas for the crazy illogical wedding? Share them! Or think of them and keep them to yourselves and only think about them at inappropriate times, like at church or a meeting with your parole officer. Thanks to those who have reviewed and keep 'em coming!**


	13. Chapter 13

Kirk was Googling directions to the San Francisco Hooters and his patience was wearing thin.

"DAMNIT, McCoy, we don't have time to go to the Maritime National Historical Park!"

"But it's only four blocks away from the Hooters and you can stand on the stern of _Balclutha_, face west to feel the fresh wind blowing in from the Pacific Ocean. Located in the Fisherman's Wharf neighborhood, San Francisco Maritime National Historical Park offers the sights, sounds, smells and stories of Pacific Coast maritime history!" McCoy replied eagerly, reading from a visitor's guide.

Kirk thought for a moment.

"….That does sound nice. I do like sights and sounds."

"Don't forget the smells and stories," McCoy added helpfully.

"Alright, if we have time, maybe we'll stop by. Right now, though, we need to get to Hooters!"

"Captain!" Uhura interrupted, "You have an urgent message from Starfleet. They need you to visit Weenis 4 for a diplomatic mission."

"Don't they know that Spock is missing! How can I do a mission without him? I'll go down there, they'll probably have some freaky queen, or something, dressed in a sequined bikini. She'll put us in equally revealing, sparkly costumes and we'll breath in sex spores or something and go crazy. How can I do that, with a high level of professionalism, if I don't have Spock there to raise his eyebrow and say 'Indeed'???"

"Captain, I'm well versed in Starfleet protocol, you don't have to remind me," Uhura snapped back.

"Sorry, I'm just a little tense. So what's the mission?" Kirk asked.

"You've been invited to the Queen's annual Sequined Bikini Sexy-Time Gala where she wants to discuss her planet's growing Sex Spore problem. She also wants to know what size bikini you would like."

"Nope. Fuck that. I need Spock for that sorta thing. You tell them we'll do it once I get my first officer back!"

"Yes, Captain," Uhura replied, turning in her seat to deliver the message.

The bridge wasn't the only place where tensions were high.

The rec room was having its own share of awkwardness.

* * *

Sulu was playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with Han at one table, while Chekov was glaring at them from another.

Now that everyone had sobered up, Han could tell that Chekov had blatant sexual feelings for his master. And after the way that Sulu had poked at Chekov with his sword, it was clear that they were returned. Han knew that bringing these two together was the only way he would be able to get his freedom back.

"So…" Han started as he smashed his hand down onto the lever for the green hippo. "What did you think of Chekov in that crotchless thong?"

Sulu bit his lip as he slammed harder onto the hippo. "It was ho—it was alright. I would rather see you in one. OH. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA."

"Yeah, no."

Han cursed under his breath. So far this was not going along with the plan. "Ummm, sure. But I couldn't rock a glittery AK-47 like Chekov could."

"You could always put glitter onto your blaster."

"Yeah, no."

Sulu paused, putting both of his hands under his chin. "I always thought that Chekov had a nice ass. A really proper, tight, young, Russian ass. I could get lost in looking at it…"

"Yeah, and --?"

"And then I met you, silly!" Sulu said, grabbing onto one of Han's cheeks and wiggling it. "And you're so sexy. Who's a sexy smuggler?"

The cuteness was interrupted from a large slurp of chocolate milk coming from Chekov's table. "Do you zink that you could try zat somewhere else?"

Sulu frowned. "I'm sorry, are the hippos bothering you?"

"Yes. Eet ees zee hippos. Those greedy, capitalist hippos!"

"Well why don't you play with us?" asked Han hopefully.

"HAN!" Sulu screeched and pulled the game towards him. "This is a game for TWO. Although…" He looked at Chekov out of the side of his eyes and licked his lips a little. And then he snapped out of it.

"But zer are four hippos zer!" Chekov countered.

"No no no! Those are back-up hippos! Come on Han, we're getting out of here!" Sulu demanded, stalking out of the mess hall.

* * *

"Hey!! Welcome to Hooters, cuties," greeted the well-hooted young hostess. "Do you guys need a table for three?" she asked Kirk, Uhura, and McCoy.

"No. We're meeting friends, they're over there," Kirk pointed to the table where Spock was forcibly seated. Jim clenched his fists in rage as he took in the sight of T'Pring forcing a cheese-covered onion fritter into his mouth.

Kirk stalked over to the table, ready to claim his Vulcan love.

His mother, however, cut him off before he could get a single word out.

"Jim! So nice to see you!" she cried, standing up and pulling him out of hearing distance.

"Spock and I have a plan to get this wedding cancelled, so just go along with what we say. Alright?"

Jim was a bit hesitant, but ultimately nodded in agreement, as they made their way back to the table.

"Jimmy and his friends decided to come down because they're just so excited to help plan the wedding!" Winona explained as the three dinner guests took a seat.

Sarek regarded Jim skeptically.

"Uh yeah….I just love a wedding," Jim said with a hint of a scowl as he looked at T'Pring.

The waitress came over to the table to tend to the new additions to the table.

"What can I get for you guys today?"

Jim looked over the menu carefully, "I'll have the side salad, with a milkshake."

"That seems like a rather illogical combination," Sarek added, nearly under his breath.

"Oh you think?" Jim snarked back, "Well, I don't recall the side salad and the milkshake asking for your opinion!"

"A side salad would be much better off partnered with a glass of water or an iced-tea," Sarek challenged once again.

"Interesting, because I was thinking that when it's late at night and the side salad has a hankering for something smooth and creamy to suck on, it's gonna be a little disappointed with a bitter, frigid, iced-tea that's too stuck up to toss the side salad's salad!"

"Could the side salad say something?" Spock added, trying to get a word in. He was not heard, though, above the thinly veiled metaphors.

"A milkshake is an unhealthy choice. The side salad would better serve its purpose without it," Sarek countered.

Jim was getting quite worked up.

"I think the milkshake helps balance out the side salad. Without the milkshake, the side salad and the iced tea will be trapped in a completely boring meal, and it won't be long until the side salad is racking up the phone bill with calls to milkshake-sex hotlines!"

……

"So a side salad and a milk shake?" the waitress confirmed after an awkward silence. She finished taking the orders and the left the table to another moment of tension.

"….Well I love weddings too!"McCoy finally said with a genuine enthusiasm, "Can I be your wedding planner?"

"I think that would be a wonderful idea," Winona said quickly, seizing the opportunity to put her plan into action.

"What are some of your ideas?" T'Pring asked, momentarily lifting her head from the rim of her massive margarita.

McCoy was quick to place a binder on the table. He opened it and flipped through a few pages, showing T'Pring some of his wedding planner credentials and ideas.

**OMS guys! Those were some wonderfully bizarre wedding suggestions and I can't wait to utilize them. If you have any more, keep 'em coming. Hmm….I have a craving for a milkshake and side salad right now…**

**Sorry this chapter was a bit shorter than the past few have been, but I'm sure a stag party and illogical wedding will warrant longer editions. **


	14. Chapter 14

"Alright, it's time for your results!" Han Sulu said with false cheer. He held up a piece of paper and inwardly groaned that this was the 17th game of M.A.S.H. they had played.

"What is M.A.S.H?" Sulu had asked him.

"It's a game where I can figure out what type of house you'll live in, how many kids you'll have, even who you'll marry. It's typically played by twelve year-old girls, so I think it's perfect for you guys," Han had explained.

Truthfully, Han just wanted to make it all the more obvious that Sulu and Chekov should be together. Well….he did like to play M.A.S.H. every now and then, but now the stakes were higher.

His plan seemed simple enough. He'd just cheat and put them together, but damn that Sulu and his moral integrity. Who knew it would take 17 tries, but Han smiled as he looked down at the results he had been hoping for.

"Okay, so Sulu, you'll be living in a wigwam on Andoria"

He was interrupted by a chuckle. "That's so silly. Who would want to live in a wigwam on Andoria? Oh, geez, I love this game."

Chekov joined in his laughing, "Yes it eez as funny as me marrying da food replicator!"

Han rolled his eyes and continued.

"You'll have 37 kids and…." Han paused for dramatic effect as he scrutinized the paper. Both Sulu and Chekov leaned in to see what had Han fascinated to Spock-levels.

"Wow….it says here that you'll marry Chekov!"

Han was eager to see the reaction and hoped it would plant a seed of inspiration. Much to his dismay, Sulu's communicator went off.

It was Kirk.

"Hey, Sulu, do you know much about planning bachelor parties? If so we could really use your help."

Sulu shrugged, "Nope. Sorry, I've never been to one," he answered back.

"Alright, we'll just make do. Kirk out."

Han quickly abandoned his M.A.S.H plan. He threw out all thoughts on his Monopoly plan, and completely forgot about his fish slapping plan. There was no better way to get two unsuspecting men to hook up than by having them attend a drunken bachelor party. He had to get to Sulu's communicator without Sulu knowing….

He had it!

"Hey, Chekov!" he called to the young Russian, "Why don't you tell Sulu all about that great graphic novel you were telling me about?"

"_We for Wendetta_?"

"That's the one! It's a story full of action and adventure, I'm sure you'll want to hear all about it," he directed at Sulu.

"Vell, _We for Wendetta_ eez da story of a wigilante named we. We sawes a girl named Eweey . Eet is exciting ven he helps her from willains! I will do performance of monologue for you!" Getting in his best vigilante stance, Chekov got ready to wow his audience. Sulu looked confused already and Han slyly took the communicator.

"Een wiew, a humble waudevillian weteran, cast wicariously as both wictim and willain by the wicissitudes of fate. Zees wisage, no mere weneer of wanity, eez a westige of the wox populi, now wacant, wanished. However, zees walorous wisitation of a by-gone wexation, stands wiwified and has wowed to wanquish zeez wenal and wirulent wermin wan-guarding wice and wouchsafing da wiolently wicious and woracious wiolation of wolition. Zee only werdict is wengeance; a wendetta, held as a wotiwe, not een wain, for da walue and weracity of such shall one day windicate the wigilant and the wirtuous."

Sulu had a look on his face that made it seem like he was staring at a weasel trying to fellate itself. With Sulu occupied, Han set his plan into action.

He easily scurried to the other side of the room. Flipping open the communicator, he cleared his throat. "Sulu to Kirk!"

"Yeah, Sulu, what is it? We're busy down here."

Han put on his best Sulu voice and responded. "Well, I thought up a lot of cool ideas for the bachelor party. Fencing. And I thought we all better come down. Swords. You know, to talk about them. Asian-American."

"Yeah, sure, fine. Come on down," Kirk grumbled, still waiting to get his side salad. "Kirk out."

Han closed the communicator and rushed back to Sulu and Chekov. "Hey Sulu, I was just answering your calls for you, and Kirk called and ordered the three of us to come down to the surface. So yeah. We should go. Right now."

"Sure, Hannykins! Whatever you say!" said Sulu, skipping out to the transporter room.

Chekov gave Han a death glare. "Kid, I'm on your side, really!" Han protested as they made their way to the transporter room.

"I don't zink you care for Sulu like I do," Chekov challenged. "You're right. I don't. I really think you two should be together."

The two joined Sulu on the transporter. Sulu grabbed onto Han's arm as they were beamed down and Chekov looked like he was going to cry.

* * *

Back in Hooters, McCoy, Winona, and T'Pring were discussing wedding details while Kirk was attempting to play footsie with Spock.

"Girls," started McCoy, "I just had an idea. What about...elephants?"

"Elephants?!" asked Winona. "Elephants. You know. One for Spock, one for T'Pring, and you ride them up the aisle. Think about it."

"I also think the guests should have an elephant each. Elephant's for everyone. In fact, instead of having a buffet table let's have the elephants carrying around the food and the people will chase them down while riding other elephants," Kirk elaborated.

T'Pring whined. "But elephants are dirrrrrrrrrrty."

"Oh, but my dear, they are the cutting edge of fashion right now," replied Winona, knowing that Sarek would flip his shit over elephants.

"And if you're riding an elephant nobody will notice how fat your ass is," Kirk added between slurps of his milkshake.

"Ooooooooo! I like fashion," T'Pring squealed.

"Also," McCoy added, "I think the colors should be navy blue, brown, and black."

Sarek twitched. "Those colors clash. They are illogical."

"Oh no," McCoy argued. "They are all really in together right now."

"They clash. It is illogical."

Getting in on the action Spock made some suggestions of his own.

"T'Pring, if I may, I have some ideas for our attire. I think it would be logical if we wore robes that will be delicately embroidered with birds on them. These birds will be holding wreaths of flowers that smell bad. On these flowers will be even tinier birds holding an even tinier and smellier wreath of flowers. On those flowers will be insects holding our initials. Those initials will be in the shape of birds holding flowers."

"Of course these robes will be embroidered by Oompa Loompas," McCoy added.

"What are Oompa Loompas?" Sarek queried.

"They are orange, singing men who make candy, but have a lesser-known ability to embroider robes. They're the best, and it shows. They cost a fortune. They have a great union."

Sarek was about to respond to McCoy when Sulu, Chekov, and Han Sulu joined them at their table.

"Perfect timing!" Kirk cried.

"Yes, we were just discussing the wedding, but we hear you have some ideas for the bachelor party!" Uhura prompted.

Sulu looked a bit confused but was elbowed into action by Han.

"Oh yes, well of course most of the planning will be up to the best man. Who is your best man Spock?" Sulu asked.

Oh how that question tore at Spock. He wanted to cry out to God, Sarek, Santa Clause, and Bono that James T. Kirk was his best man in every sense of the term!

So he could only name Jim as his best man in his wedding to an icky girl.

At least that meant that Jim would be helping Sulu plan his party.

"Alright, well Jim let's get started!" Sulu said with glee motioning for Jim to join the rest of the party planning committee.

Jim and McCoy got up to leave, but Sarek was quick to protest.

"I do not believe we have finished discussions for this wedding!"

Quick to act, Winona grabbed Sarek's hand, "We can talk about that later, darling," she soothed. She stood up to give Jim a goodbye hug, and took the opportunity to whisper in his ear.

"Leave it up to me. We've got a good start, I'll make sure he'll cancel this wedding."

Jim smiled at his mom and left with his boys.

"I guess that leaves us to plan you a bachelorette party," Winona said to T'Pring.

"Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!!!!! I wanna get a really cute outfit!" T'Pring said. "Uhura, can you take me to the nearest mall? I wanna get a really cute outfit!" Uhura rolled her eyes and dragged T'Pring to the door. "Yeah, fine. See you later, Mrs. Kirk."

Once everyone had left, Winona turned to Sarek. "Sarek. Darling. I think this wedding between Spock and T'Pring is illogical."

Sarek looked over at Spock, "Spock, time to put on your special headphones," he said in a tone that would have indicated he was talking to a child.

Knowing exactly what he meant, Spock covered his ears and began humming _The Chorus of the Hebrew Slave_s from Verdi's opera, _Nabucco_.

Winona looked a little surprised.

"Oh he's used to it. We had him do it all the time as a child," Sarek answered.

"Did you and Amanda really fight that much?"

Sarek's eyes grew warm with fond memories of spontaneous sessions of dirty-talk.

"Oh no. We never fought. So, how is this illogical?"

"How so?"

"Well, first of all, you cited the example of procreation as the main reason for this union. However, with the Vulcan population at such a low peak, should you really be pushing for children who are only ¾ Vulcan? I mean, don't you want to replenish the population with 100% Vulcan kids?"

"It is logical to expand the population." "It is logical to expand the population."

"Well, second of all, you told me how much you loved Amanda – don't you want your son to have the same life experience?" "When I married Amanda, the Vulcan race was not on the verge of extinction."

"So maybe Spock can just donate some sperm? It's clear the idea of sleeping with women grosses him out." "…perhaps. But conception is better when through traditional methods."

Winona sighed. She didn't want to break out the big guns, but for her boy, she would. "If you make Spock marry T'Pring, I will never have sex with you again." That was a total and complete lie. But Sarek didn't know that. Sarek gasped. "You wouldn't."

"Oh I would. And maybe you'd dump me and run off with some other human woman and pin her up against the wall and make her your bitch and wear her underwear…but I'll tell you something, Sarek. And I bet your son would agree. But once you go Kirk, you never go back." Winona emphasized this with a snap. Sarek cleared his throat. "Perhaps I have been too hasty in my judgments."

* * *

"I don't get why we can't just get the fuck outta here?" Spock questioned with steely Vulcan logic.

He had finally escaped his father's company was currently attending his impromptu bachelor party and it was nothing like he had imagined. When Sulu and McCoy had picked him up he had been promised a good time, but this was far from it. Not only was Kirk absent, Sulu had called Spock up to the front of the party room they had rented to read from the Torah.

"Today, I am a man," Spock started. "ברוך אתה ה' אלוהינו מלך העולם..." he continued.

"What the hell are you having us do?" McCoy asked Sulu.

"I researched all the traditional parts of a bachelor party. This is how it goes!" Sulu defended.

"I'm pretty sure you're having us do a Bar Mitzvah."

Realization of his error struck Sulu, "Oy vey."

It wouldn't be a total, loss, though, Sulu thought. He had arranged from some exotic entertainment.

"You got a stripper? If you had accidentally planned a Bar Mitzvah how did a stripper get in the mix?" McCoy asked, shocked.

"It was on the list! I guess strippers became a common tradition at Bar Mitzvahs and Bat Mitzvahs. Anyway, this one is special," Sulu answered with a knowing smile.

Before McCoy could question him further, there was a knock on the door.

"I bet that's the entertainment now!" Sulu called to the room. Spock's interest rose slightly.

As Sulu opened the double-doors, in swaggered Jim in an interesting version of his cadet uniform. The sleeves were gone, and instead of pants he wore short-shorts. In Spock's opinion, it was as the uniform should have been.

Jim made his way over to where Spock was seated. He pointed at Sulu who started up the music. The classic Earth song _Poker Face_, by Lady Gaga.

"I've been a naughty cadet and I think I need some reinforcement of authority. I think there's someone in here who has just what I need," Kirk purred as he straddled his prey.

Spock reacted somewhat unexpectedly.

"What the fuck?! Who is it? Who here thinks they having something for Jim? God fucking shit-hole damnit I'll fuckin' cut them with a lirpa!" Spock shouted, standing to look around the room for the would-be sexual threat. Jim had fallen out of his lap and onto the floor.

"Um..I'm talking about you. Spock, it's fine," Jim whispered from his lowered position.

Spock instantly calmed and sat down.

"Good. You may continue your gyrations on my lap."

**AN: How I long to spin the dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock – both Jewish! Well, at least in the TOS universe, and more specifically as pointed out by Adam Sandler in his classic Hannukah song. What a crazy journey it has been, people. Thanks so much to your reviews and good vibes. Are people familiar with V for Vendetta? If not, check out the graphic novel if you're so inclined. It's just that it has so many V words, how could I not have Chekov talk about it? More of the bachelor party shall be seen, but I had to end it somewhere. It was longer than the last one, at least, yes? Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed. Next up –more partying and weddings!**


	15. Chapter 15

"Oh yeah Kirk! Give us that Chutzpah! WOOOO! You are so Farputst right now" Kirk had barely gotten onto Spock's lap and begun to gyrate before McCoy began yelling and dry humping the air.

Sulu couldn't take it anymore, "McCoy, would you sit your ass down! I can't see Kirk giving it to Spock! This is as close as I'm going to get to knowing what happened between chapters 16 and 17 in Home!"

McCoy glared at the interruption of his catcalling. "Oh Sulu, stop kvetching"

Sulu had had enough of all this. He just wanted to be happy with his slave/husband Han. He wanted to have a special relationship. He wanted people to combine their names to create a cute single entity nickname like "spirk." But no one did. No one seemed to care that he just wanted to be happy. He couldn't take it anymore. Sulu charged at McCoy!

"Oy Vey!!!" Shouted McCoy!

Kirk had no clue any of this was going on. He only had eyes for Spock. Kirk had started by straddling Spock straight away, but he knew neither of them would last if he kept that up. Kirk slowly raised himself from Spock's lap and turned around, so his ass was shaking in Spock's face. "Poker face" changed to "Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Kirk slowly pulled up his shirt, showing a bit of lower back first, and then teasingly dropping the shirt back down with a giggle. Kirk giggled again when Spock groaned and reached for him. Kirk turned back around and slapped his hands away. "Not yet, you naughty Vulcan!" It was to this beat that Kirk finally removed his shirt, thrusting his hips forward the whole time.

"Oh baby," Kirk whispered after his shirt was lassoed and tossed to the crowd behind him, "It's your Bar Mitzvah so you're a man today, and I have a surprise for you."

Han Sulu decided he finally needed to speak up. "Um, I hope to God he was a man before you fucked him all those time." Han speaking made Sulu look away from McCoy, who was then able to land a punch straight to Sulu's temple. "Take that, you Schmegeggie"  
Sulu went out like a light, and Han saw escape was in sight. He had a plan forming, one that involved the unconscious Sulu, a very drunk 17 year old, and possibly a broom closet.

* * *

While the boys were having their fun, Uhura was far from anything that could be described as remotely pleasing. Having found out what a Bachelorette party was, T'Pring demanded one, even though her only guest was Uhura. What's even worse is instead of requesting a place that served alcohol or featured dancing men, T'Pring took them to "Clay Time!" a store where one could make their own pottery and other clay crafts.

Uhura sighed, knowing the boys were drinking and dancing and she was stuck glazing mugs and statues of gnomes. She did a double-take when she glanced over at what T'Pring was working on. It was large, long, and rather phallic-like.

She quirked an eyebrow as she saw how intently T'Pring was polishing the craft, up and down, up and down.

"Gee....that's....." Uhura scrambled for words. "That's uh, really something. What is that.....exactly?"

T'Pring mumbled something that Uhura couldn't quite catch. "What was that?"

"....It's a statue of a pickle!" T'Pring explained for the second time.

Uhura stared at the 'sculpture' and then at T'Pring. Then at the sculpture. Then T'Pring. Then the sculpture. Then T'Pring.

".......oh. That's, neat," she answered.

"Well, I should go stick this in the hot, warm, inviting, throbbing......" T'Pring started drifting away in her own thoughts.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Uhura quickly asked.

"The kiln! I need to bake this in the kiln....it's hot....that's what I meant," T'Pring explained.

"You know," Uhura started. "Generally during bachelorette parties, we get penis-shaped cupcakes or lollipops."

"But it's a pickle, I told you!"

Uhura cleared her throat. "But wouldn't you rather make a mug or a bowl or something less…pointy? Pointy is just so overrated. Pointy always lets you down. Pointy tells you that it loves you and then runs away to find more pointy things. I hate pointy."

T'Pring clearly missed that entire metaphor. "…so you think the pickle is a bad idea?"  
"Yes. I do. You should do a bowl. A nice, wide, deep bowl. That's what I want."

"Well, I'll try anything once!" T'Pring agreed. T'Pring looked down at the pickle made from clay in her hands, gently stroking the top of it. She looked back up at Uhura. "But I love pickles so much. I think they may be my favorite food. I could eat pickles all day long, one right after the other. I love all kinds of pickles too, all shapes and sizes!" Uhura was honestly unsure if T'Pring was talking about pickles or not, or if she even knew.

* * *

Han grunted as he dragged the unconscious Sulu away from party in Event Room C at the Holiday Inn.. McCoy agreed to distract everyone so long as Han kept his promise to give Bones a cloaking device for a individual person. Sometimes McCoy needed to be unseen, like when he was being a pervert or helping crew members braid their hair without them knowing.

Han needed to get Sulu into a confined space, then get the Russian kid in there. Locked up together, they would surely realize they had strong, sexual feelings for each other and then have sex. Han was conviently forgetting he was in the "bonded together" plot device to get two people to have sex. He dropped Sulu off and went in search of the Russian kid.

By this point, the party had pretty much broken off. All that remained was Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Spock was still sitting in the same chair, however, he was currently handcuffed to it. Kirk was completely naked and covered in chocolate sauce, and McCoy was watching it all under his new cloaking device. Except Han "forgot" to mention that they don't actually work on people.

"What a party! I don't even remember how I got covered in chocolate sauce," Kirk said, taking some of the sticky sweetness on his fingers and applying it directly to Spock's mouth.

"If I remember correctly, you became covered when your dancing reached such a heated level that you danced out of the door and into the 65th Wedding Anniversary party for Olga and Herman Johans in the room next door. They had a sundae bar- which you crashed into," Spock answered.

Kirk tried to remember, "Hmmm I guess that explains the sprinkles stuck to my ass."

"No it doesn't. I put those there," McCoy added.

Spock glared at him. "You do realize we can see you, right?"

McCoy stood up, outraged. "What? How??"

"If you thought you couldn't be seen why the hell did you talk? You gave yourself away!" Kirk asked.

McCoy paused a moment, "I guess I wanted you to think I was an incubus. That's all I've ever wanted!"

Kirk and Spock looked at each other not knowing what to say. Luckily they didn't have to come up with anything as they were joined by Uhura and T'Pring.

"What is that fucking whore-beast doing here?" Spock questioned with cool logic.

"I made a statue!" T'Pring cried, holding out her creation for all to see.

.........

"Uh, could I get a closer look at that, T'Pring?" McCoy said, staring at the alluringly shaped sculpture. T'Pring handed it over, and pulled back quickly as McCoy clutched it possessively to his chest.

"She insisted on crashing the party...though there isn't much to crash," Uhura said looking around and noting there were only three people present.

That didn't last long as they saw Han Sulu laying down a trail of cheese cubes that led to the broom closet.

"What are you doing?"

Han stood up from his task, "You'll see."

He finished his line and hid behind a table. Before anyone could say anything, Chekov entered the room, following the trail of cheese. With each cube he let out a squeal of excitement and popped it in his mouth. He finally made it to the broom closet and let out the loudest squeal of all.

Han jumped up from behind the table. "Yes! Yes! Finally! Those two are getting it on!"

"Wait, those two are a thing now?" Uhura questioned.

"Yes," answered McCoy. "They are entering the final stages of a tango they've been dancing for quite a while now."

"Wow, it seems like there is a crazy amount of bed-hopping between the crew of the Enterprise," Kirk noted.

"Well, with so many fun possible pairings, how could there not be?" McCoy stated, pulling out a chart of names.

"I encourage as much of it as possible simply for the fun name combinations one can come up with. For instance, you and Spock are known as Spirk- It's a word that seems innocent and yet could still pass as a euphemism for ejaculating. Of course, you could also go with Kock, which is a bit more blunt, but still good. Now that Sulu and Chekov are together they can be known as Sukov, which sounds very close to 'suck-off' and I just take that as proof that their love is pure and meant to be. As for me, I would go well with anyone because of the name McCoy. It's easy to add 'Mc' in front of any name. You could have, McKirk, McSulu, or even McSpock, or if I was up for some self-loving I could call it McBones. Any way, it sounds like a tasty sandwich from McDonalds. What I would most encourage, though, is a pairing between myself and Nyota Uhura because we could be Coyota—very similar to Toyota and a pun like that is just too good to waste." McCoy finished with a waggle of the eyebrow to Uhura.

Uhura giggled and blushed a bright shade of red. "Oh Doctor! You say the sweetest things! And I had a Toyota in high school!"

"Did you? So did I! Nyota, I should show you my secret doors some time."

"Oh Doctor, I already know about them. I've used them on countless occasions."

McCoy swooned a little, and since we're all about clichés tonight, fell into Uhura's arms. At the same time, Sulu woke up in the closet. "Hannykins?"

Chekov grinned. "No Sulu, ees just me." He held out his hand. "Cheese cube?"

"Oh I love cheese cubes!" Sulu took the cheese and started munching happily. "So where is Han?" "I don't know. But why do you care? I am een closet and I can be naked in 3.7 seconds."

Sulu's eyes grew wide. "Really? Prove it."

"Okay!" And in 3.7 seconds, Chekov did just that. "Ooooh, hamburgers I'm so tempted to ravage you, Pavel! But my heart belongs to Han!"

"No eet does not. As Dr. McCoy just explained, our pairing name is Sukov, which sounds like suck-off, which makes our love pure. And I love you. And you did not have to buy my love."  
Sulu grinned. "The doctor is so wise!"

As grunting and howling noises came out of the closet, T'Pring looked around. "Hey Spock…why are you handcuffed to the chair?" She frowned. "Did I just become a…" she counted the people in the room, "…seventh wheel?"

"You won't be for long. Tomorrow you and Spock shall be married."

Everyone turned to see Sarek had just entered and he looked none-too pleased.

"What? How can you possibly say that? We thought you were seeing this wedding was illogical and cruel torture. What could your reasoning possibly be?" everyone said in perfect unison.

"I was, but then I read my horoscope and it told me that the moon was in a position that meant I should marry my gay, half-Vulcan son off to some random chick," Sarek answered.

"That is oddly specific," Uhura noted.

"Indeed. Spock! Come with me," Sarek said, grabbing Spock by the arm, knocking Kirk to the floor.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!"Spock yelled as he was dragged away.

"We'll see you all at the Temple tomorrow, for a proper Jewish/Vulcan wedding!" Sarek announced before leaving.

**Hot diggedy damn! The wedding is still on, surely someone will intervene just in time! You'll have to read and find out. Many thanks to those who have read and reviewed. You're awesome, I love it. **


	16. Chapter 16

**This week, on a very special "When Spock Lost Kirk" – Sarek's stubbornness has proved to be strong enough to withstand sexual threats from Winona and illogical elephant-ridden weddings. Spock will marry T'Pring, much to the dismay of James T. Kirk. Will the wedding go on? Will Sulu, Chekov and Han resolve their love triangle? What will become of T'Pring's penis art? Find out after these commercial messages!!**

**…..that was a bluff…..I don't have any commercials for you. Okay, let's get this shit started!**

Spock looked at his reflection in the mirror in a dressing room at the temple. The sadness was evident despite his Vulcan upbringing. He had resigned himself to his fate. Perhaps it was because somewhere deep down, he knew his love for Kirk was too complicated to work. Maybe it was his own unresolved issues with showing affection and giving into illogical urges. It also could have been the hypospray full of paralyzing chemicals that rendered him immobile and only capable of saying the following phrases;

"Yes"

"I do"

And "Blow the man down"

The last phrase was an odd side effect of the drug. Sarek had ordered Spock to be injected with it to ensure his compliance.

Spock slumped in his chair, and cringed at the music he heard from the temple. The ceremony would start soon and he would forever be bonded to T'Pring.

"Pssst!"

Spock could not physically acknowledge the whispered hiss he heard from the door, but he had heard it. He wondered who it could be and was flushed with relief to see the door crack open to reveal a sliver of Jim's face.

Jim opened the door a bit wider, looking around to see if anyone would catch him. Deciding the coast was clear, he entered the room.

"Spock! Oh Spock I finally found you," Jim exclaimed with joy.

Spock could only stare blankly.

"I'm here to take you away….I mean, you don't want to get married do you?" Jim asked, faltering a little at Spock's lack of movement.

Spock opened his mouth to tell him he wanted to get the flying fuck outta here, but was shocked to hear himself say, "I do."

Jim's eyes widened.

"You do? You do what? You do want to get married, or you don't want to get married?"

Once again, Spock was a victim of his limited vocabulary.

"Yes," Spock replied.

"Yes to what? Yes to getting married or yes to getting out of here?"

"I do."

"You do what? What have you been doing?"

"Blow the man down."

Jim was shocked at this sudden confession.

"You blew someone?"

"Yes."

"What the fuck, Spock? That's the kinda thing you like to do now? It's not enough that you're marrying T'Pring, but you're blowing other guys while talking like a pirate?"

"Yes."

"That's it! I'm leaving. You can have T'Pring!" Kirk yelled, stomping towards the door.

Spock wanted to correct this huge misunderstanding but once again what he wanted to say and what he actually said were completely different.

"Blow the man down!" he yelled after Kirk.

Jim appeared in the doorway once more, "That's pretty sick that you'd want me to blow other guys!"

He finally stormed off, leaving Spock even more depressed than before.

* * *

Meanwhile, Sulu, Chekov and Han were helping T'Pring with her hair.

"Like, I need my hair to be perfect. If my hair's not perfect, then this whole day will just suck!" Sulu grimaced as he attempted to run a comb through T'Pring's hair. Apparently, the jar labeled "hair smoothing cream" was not actually intended for hair. Sulu brought his nose near T'Pring's head, trying to identify just what was in the jar.  
Nearby, Chekov could only sigh as he watched Sulu work. He just didn't understand why the pilot wouldn't look at him twice. What wasn't there to like, he was underage, pale, and skinny. Also, his hair could be unruly. Who didn't just love unruly hair?

Han was once again shackled. His attempt to have Sulu seduced into releasing him had backfired. He was currently trying to kill himself by banging his head against the wall.

"Look, you better stop your slave from making all that noise! He's RUINING my day! MY DAY GODAMMIT!"

"Han Sulu! Sweetie stop it!" Sulu rushed over to his lover. Chekov, wanting to impress Sulu decided to take over the hair preparations. He picked up the comb off the floor and gave a shriek as an ant crawled onto his hand.

"What?! What is it? Is something going to ruin my special day!?!?!" T'Pring was in such hysterics that her mascara was running down her face and she bitch slapped Winona Kirk, who was bringing in more hair product.

"Oh, um, T'Pring, nothing is going to ruin your special day." Winona spoke as if she were speaking to a five year old. "Why don't we get you settled back into your chair, and we'll get you looking pretty in no time" She then proceeded to slop on more of the hair smoothing cream. Sulu had finally restrained Han so he could get back to hair styling. He sniffed T'Pring's hair once more, certain that her hair cream was not in fact hair cream at all.

"Mrs. Kirk, were did you get that hair smoothing product?"

"Oh, it's from Earth. With Spock being half human, I thought he would appreciate his future wife showing a little earth-spirit"

Sulu shrugged and went back to attempting to comb through T'Pring's hair. He then gave out a shriek as another ant fell onto his hand. And this one didn't get picked up off the floor.  
T'Pring's head was full of ants. And Sulu could guess where they came from.

For he now recognized what was being put into T'Pring's hair: Sloppy Joe's.

However, before he could bring this realization to light, Kirk burst threw the door.

"You can have him you slutty-assed, clay-dick humping, strap-on wearing BITCH! I hope you give each other Gonorrhea!" Kirk then stormed out.

* * *

Inside the church, everything was going great!

The temple was decked out with flowers, candy, bears, animatronics, and a single unicorn.

"Chekov, I think that you should ride the unicorn up the aisle," Sulu offered, pulling Han into the temple.

Chekov looked as he had been slapped across the face. "But yesterday…yesterday you said…"

"Well just forget what I said yesterday! Yesterday was a huge mistake!" Sulu said, draping an arm over his eyes and weeping. Han looked around for a pointy object to impale himself with. "No. Ees unacceptable!" Chekov grabbed Sulu and pulled him aside. "Vhat ve shared last night vas not only special, but beautiful….and illegal on some planets. We made sweet, sweet Sukov love. Een all forms of zat vord."

Sulu sniffed as another batch of tears came to his eyes. "I know, Pavel. I know. But I have legally bounded myself to Han in a master/slave kind of way, and I don't know if there's any room for a man that I truly love to be in my life right now."

"Zen you should tear up contract! I vill love you by choice! Ees much better!"

Han perked up. "Yeah! What Little Red said!"

Sulu looked dramatically back and forth "I can't make this kind of decision!"

"Yes you can," Han exclaimed, grabbing Sulu's shoulders and shaking him.

"I so don't want to be here. If that Unicorn over there came up to me and said, 'Hey, Han. I'm a fuckin' talking Unicorn and because of my magical Unicorn powers and shit I am giving you the choice of being Sulu's man-slave or having me push you into a flowing river of acid-lava with my horn. Take your pick!' You know what I would choose? I'd choose the acid-lava!" Han cried out.

"Oh, Han. Don't try to be sweet and make this easier for me with your lovely words," Sulu said between sobs.

Han rolled his eyes and hoped a river of acid-lava would sweep him away.

* * *

While the wedding had started, Kirk wandered to a nearby park. He sat sullenly on a swing, occasionally kicking the dirt beneath him.

"I thought I'd find you here."

Jim looked up to see Bones taking a seat in the swing next to him.

"Oh, Bones. Spock doesn't want me anymore. I guess he's, like, a pirate now or something…blowing guys and getting married," Jim confided in his friend.

"Jim. Do you love Spock?" Bone gently asked.

After a minute of wallowing, Jim finally answered.

"Yes."

"Alright, do you love him so much you'd stop at nothing to be with him?"

"Yes….yes, I would."

"Do you love him so much that sometimes you find yourself stuffing your pillowcase with his used socks?"

"Um…well…"

"Well then don't quit! I never do!" Bones said slapping his shoulder.

"When someone tells me no, I keep going! When someone says 'I don't think it's any of your business as to what shampoo I use,' I keep asking! When that mouthy redhead from Engineering keeps asking me to stop stealing her used socks, I just steal more! And maybe some panties for good measure. You go to that temple and stop that wedding!"

"You're right Bones!" Jim said, standing, "You're right even though you're pretty fucked up, but you give damn good advice. Let's go break up that wedding!"

* * *

Winona Kirk walked up to the choir on the side of the temple. "Hi choir people! Is everyone ready to start singing for this super-special wedding?"

The Enterprise glee club, Treble with Tribbles, were nodding enthusiastically and helping each other pop their collars. "We can't wait!" they sang in perfect harmony.

"…oh, I so can't deal with this preppy shit," Winona said and pulled a joint out of her purse. "So you all know the song?"

"OH YES!" squealed Kevin Riley. "I just LOOOOVE it."

Yeoman Janice Rand was jumping around with excitement. "Dick in a Box has been, like, the one song I've wanted to sing in life. It just speaks to me on another level!!!"

Winona took a long drag on her joint. "That's fine. Just super. Just remember, don't stop singing. No matter what happens or how much Sarek tells you to stop. Don't stop."

"BELIEVING?!" cheered the glee club.

"…yeah fuck this," Winona replied, wandering out to go get baked.

The choir started singing as both T'Pring and Spock walked down the aisle. Well….T'Pring walked. Since Spock had been injected with the immobilizing hypo, he was more or less being wheeled down the aisle on a cart decorated with flowers and ribbons.

"It's my dick in a box! Dick in a box, yeeahh" the choir sang like band of glittering angels.

Spock could only cry on the inside. When they asked him to take T'Pring as his mate, the only thing he would be able to say was "I do," or possibly "Blow the man down" but that phrase wouldn't do him much good.

Just when the choir was singing the praises of dicks in boxes, Spock hoped for some sort of crazy, insane coincidence that would save his ass.

"WAIT!" came a voice from the back of the temple.

It was Kirk, and he was carrying a beautifully wrapped box.

He ran down the aisle to where T'Pring and Spock had stopped.

"I have a gift for the happy couple before they get married. I believe one person in particular will like it," Kirk said with a wag of his eyebrows to Spock.

Sadly, Spock couldn't move, but T'Pring was eager to open her gift and when she did she gasped. Spock's eyes widened.

"Ooooh! It looks like one of my statues!" T'Pring cried, reaching into the box.

"Woah! Only Spock can touch it!" Kirk was very choosy about who could touch his 'gift'

Once again, Spock being paralyzed would have been a problem, however, luckily T'Pring was so mad she kicked the rolling cart on which Spock sat, knocking him face first into Kirk's box. One look at Kirk's face would indicate just where Spock's mouth had landed.

Within minutes Spock was able to move again, and free to say whatever he wanted.

"I'm free!" he cried. "Take that!" he shouted to his father who looked distinctly upset his plan had been thwarted.

"I'm fucking free to move around, and say what I feel and I owe it all to a kiss with Jim's magic cock!" Spock cried before pulling Kirk in for a passionate kiss.

"Awww, it's JUST like Sleeping Beauty," Sulu squealed.

Han turned to him, with one eyebrow raised. "What kind of fucked up fairy tales have you been reading?"

"No! No No No!" Sarek yelled, standing up. "Fine! You want to be together? I guess going down on a man in public means you're serious, so whatever. BUT! I shelled out serious credits for this fucking circus so there better be a wedding!"

Spock released his grip from Kirk and walked to the front of the temple to address everyone present.

"Ooooh there will be a motherfuckin' wedding today! Can I get an amen?"

"AMEN!" everyone responded.

"I feel love in this room today, ya'll! I feel the love and I wanna share the love. So what am I gonna give ya?" he once again asked his audience, getting riled up with the spirit.

"LOVE!"

"That's right! That's right, ya'll! But we're not just gonna share the love."

Scotty, who had remained very quiet for the past few chapters, stood up.

"Preach it, Spock!" he cried, holding one hand up and the other over his heart.

"Oh, I'm a preachin'! I'm preachin' LOOOOVE! Tell me, ya'll. What am I preachin,?"

"LOVE" they all answered back.

"So in the name of love, I want James Fucking T. Kirk to stand up here with me, get married, and then get the fuck out of here to do it daily and nightly and ever so rightly!!"

With that the choir broke out into a fast-paced Gospel number, while Spock sang and clapped along, singing "GLORY, GLORY! HALLELUJAH!"

Kirk took his place with Spock at the front of the temple, and everyone clamored to see the wedding continue…..in a very different way.

**A/N: Yes. Kirk has a magical healing dick. You weren't aware? Why do you think he's such a tomcat? He's just being philanthropic! Here's hoping I kept you laughing. Thanks to those who review and get a kick out of my crazy. **


	17. Chapter 17

Kirk was beaming with joy, his own happiness reflected back to him from Spock's face. The Space Pope himself would be presiding over this magical ceremony.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the Space Pope started, though he was soon interrupted.

"Not all of us here are ladies or gentlemen!" called a voice from the pews.

"Oh, you mean, not all of you behave in a way that is becoming of ladies and gentlemen?" the Space Pope questioned.

"No. I mean, like, some of us here have freaky alien junk that can't be defined as male or female and I think in this day in age you need to be more inclusive in your opening statement," the alien called back, now standing.

"Yeah," another alien stood up, "I'm not a lady or a gentleman. My sexuality is defined by a panel of bureaucrats in a high level of government. They're called Sex Panels!"

"My race reproduces by clapping our feet together…but gender or sex doesn't matter—Just as long as our feet eggs comes from four sets of feet," yet another alien explained.

The Space Pope was getting slightly annoyed.

"Okay, okay. I get it, we've got a lot more going on than ladies and gentlemen, but frankly, this isn't the time or place to have open discussion about the varieties of genitalia in the universe!" the Space Pope proclaimed.

A murmur of agreement came over the crowd and the ceremony went on.

"Anyway, we are gathered together to celebrate the love of Kirk and Spock. I would say a bit more, but I have a space exorcism to get to, so let's keep this short. Do you have vows you would like to give?"

Kirk looked at Spock, pulling out a piece of paper with scribbled words.

"Yes," Kirk said, looking deeply into Spock's eyes. "I have vows."

"The words I'm about to read are ancient, and I believe from the Bible. I read these words and I knew the summed up our relationship. So, I would like to read from the book of the prophet, Kelly Clarkson."

Kirk cleared his throat and took Spock's hands into his own.

"We belong together now. Yeah  
Forever united here somehow. Yeah  
You got a piece of me  
And honestly,  
My life would suck without you."

Spock sighed, warm from Kirk's lovely words.

"Oh, Jim. I love you so much, and for my vows I wrote you my own special poetry."

Spock turned to Scotty, who had set up shop at a turntable. He gave him the signal and moments later Scotty was laying down a rhythm as Spock got ready to rap his love.

"All the bitches in the house, put ya hands in the air!

All the dudes in the house put put ya hands in the air!

All the other things in the house put ya hands in the air!

I gotsta tell ya 'bout my man, yo,

JAMES T KIRK!

The things he does with his tongue, yo

Makes my dick SPIRK

He's my bro fo' sho' I don't want no other ho's

He rocks my cock when he's moaning my name; SPOCK!"

Spock finished his vows and everyone was in awe of his tender words of undying love.

Kirk could feel tears coming to his eyes. He was so blessed to have Spock in his life.

"Right…" The Space Pope continued, "On we get with this bitch. Since I've just been reprimanded for conforming to a binary system of gender classification, I won't assume that you two will be traditional with an exchange of rings. Perhaps you would like to exchange some other type of gift? Or maybe not at all…whatever. I'm not racist."

Kirk and Spock looked deep into one another's eyes. Spock looked down at Kirk's crotch, where his present was still resting.

"I've already got the best gift I could ever have," Spock said, "but I would like to give something to Kirk." With that, Spock pulled out a first aid kit.

"OH Spock! I think we are ready to move beyond CPR into the Heimlich Maneuver."

Spock smiled at Kirk and raised his eyebrow. "And just so you know, they changed the procedure for CPR." Kirk nearly swooned.

Throughout the ceremony, T'Pring alternated from glaring daggers at Kirk, to stroking her pickle statue, and glancing over at Uhura, thinking about bowls. Chekov kept putting his hand on Sulu's knee, which Sulu kept brushing off. Sulu would then squeeze Han's knee to reassure him. Han would grimace, and remind himself to never go anywhere without a suicide capsule.

McCoy teared up the entire time. Especially when Spock gave Kirk the First Aid kit. He loved it when those two did CPR. And when they did role playing. And when whipped cream was involved. And with costumes.

"If any here believes these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Kirk and Spock held their breaths. This was the moment they were dreading.

Han couldn't take it anymore. He stood up and yelled, "DEAR GOD/SURAK/SPACE POPE. PLEASE. HELP ME."

The Space Pope was confused. "Are you against this marriage?"

"Oh, the marriage? Oh hell no. I think those two are perfect for each other. I just need help. I'm being held against my will!"

Sulu gasped and pulled on Han's vest. "Baby, what are you saying?"

Han ignored his owner. Chekov took the opportunity to continue his game of Chicken on Sulu's leg. Han continued, "I am invoking the rite of Ramalamadingdong."

Spock gasped. "Ho shit, fucker! The almighty rite of Ramalamadingdong! The rite where a smuggler-turned-prisoner begs for his freedom from a mixed-race-couple right before they become officially married after fighting robots, pre-pubescent wizards, homophobic fathers, and crazy ex-girlfriends! I had totally forgotten about that," he finished logically.

"I know, I've been waiting for this wedding since like chapter 4. Way to drag it out," Han said, nodding enthusiastically.

The Space Pope shrugged. "Well, he invoked the rite. Okay, dude, you're free."

Han cleared his throat. "All the perks, too, right? Especially the clause where I can _never_ be bought again?"

"Yeah, fine, dude," the Space Pope finished.

Sulu burst into tears at losing his slave and buried his face into Chekov's neck. "NOOOO, HANNYKINS!!!"

Chekov, in turn, smiled brightly, patted Sulu's back, and mouthed a 'thank you' to Han.

Han decided to move over next to T'Pring to cut down on the tension.

McCoy started a game of Chicken on Uhura's knee. What he didn't know is that Uhura was a three-time universe champion at Chicken.

"Does anyone else have any legitimate reason why these two can't be wed?" the Space Pope continued.

With tears in her eyes, a blonde girl stood up. "Please, Space Pope, they can't get married, because all the sexual tension will be gone and the story will become less funny and eventually there will have to be an end to it. And honestly, I don't know if I can live without an update every few weeks."

Kirk and Spock exchanged worried glances.

"Oh come on," the Space Pope said, "just go read Home again! Shit!"

The blonde girl sniffed and sat down.

"Does anyone else have a _legitimate_ reason why these two can't be married? No? Awesome. Kirk, Spock, I now pronounce you man and…half-man? Vulcan? Sex toy? Shit, I don't care. Kiss now."

Kirk and Spock ran out of the temple, everyone applauding in their wake. "It's time for our honeymoon," Spock told Kirk, holding his hand. "I've arranged special transportation to a secret destination to assure us that we will not be interrupted, kidnapped, or torn asunder with forced marriage."

True to Spock's word, outside an elephant was waiting for them. They hoisted themselves atop the large animal and it broke into a steady run. The elephant took them to the end of a road where a hover car was waiting for them. They got off the elephant and into the hover car. The driver started the car and the sped down the highway until they reached a train station. They got on the train and took that to a camel farm. You would think they would have taken a camel from the camel farm but NO! People would be expecting that so they rode a horse that had been hanging out at the camel farm. The horse took them to the middle of a forest and left them there. They walked for miles until they came across a large tree with a single ribbon tied to one of its lower branches. When Spock pulled the ribbon a small man of magic appeared and tested the purity of their love. When they had convinced him they were magically floated to the top of the tree where a helicopter waited for them. They climbed into the helicopter which dropped them off on the top of a remote cliff in the middle of Xanadu. It was time for the honeymoon to begin.

On the top of the cliff was a bed which Kirk found himself quickly pinned to. Just as Spock had latched onto Kirk's neck he felt a tapping on his shoulder.

"Hey, I never got to tell you guys congratulations on your wedding!" Admiral Pike said with a smile.

Spock's brain was close to bleeding out of his ears. He'd had enough of this shit.

"How the flying fuck did you roll you roll your stupid fucking ass up here, you motherfucking cock blocker?" he questioned logically.

Before Pike could answer, Spock had lifted him—wheel chair and all—over his head and flung him off the cliff. Of course, he did all of this both logically and gracefully.

"You," he said pointing to Kirk. "Get your fucking pants off. It's finally goin' down," Spock requested with polite logic.

Kirk did not need the command to strip, he wanted Spock inside him, and he wanted it now. He pulled down his pants, but forgot to remove his boots. The pants got stuck around his ankles and Kirk tripped and fell. He went to reach for the laces to his boots, but Spock stopped him.

"Just leave it!" Spock already had unzipped his pants and mini-Spock was out and saluting.

Just then Spock felt another tap on his shoulder.

"What the fuck! I just want to fucking fuck my man on our fucking honeymoon! I want to fuck his fucking brains out until neither of us know what the fuck is going on! What the fuck do you fucking want?" Spock logically asked the new intruder.

"Shit man, I'm sorry. It's just that the honeymoon cliff package comes with an option of strawberries and chardonnay or 27 six packs of miller high life. I need to know your preference."

Spock took one breath, to regain his logic. Then he lifted the bell boy over his head and flung him off the cliff. Then he pounced on Kirk, who had not moved from ready and willing position.

* * *

But back in the temple, things were getting really hot and heavy!

Treble with Tribbles had broken into pairs and were telling "this one time at band camp" stories; Sulu had quickly moved on after his heartbreak and was plunging his tongue into Chekov's mouth; and Bones and Uhura were locked in a deadly Chicken battle.

"Doctor, you will never be able to beat me. I have three gold medals in this event," Uhura replied.

Bones, however, couldn't reply because he currently had one hand under Uhura's bra cupping one of her breasts, and the other was up her dress, creeping dangerously close to her…bowl. "You're positive?" he asked, his hand inching closer and extending a finger.

"Positive."

"So let me get this straight. Instead of me installing secret doors throughout the ship and listening in on Kirk and Spock sexy time, we could have been playing Chicken?"

Uhura nodded. "I guess so."

Bones grumbled and begrudgingly retracted his hands. "Well, I guess it's your turn, Nyota."

"Great! You know, Leo, you're making me regain my affinity for pointy pickles," she started, unzipping his pants.

"Is that so?"

"Oh yes," she purred as she slid her hand into his pants and was not surprised to find the good doctor going commando. She squeezed a little for good measure.

"Nyota. I think I love you."

Scottie, who found the ceremony quite moving and beautiful, suddenly had a horrible thought.

"Um guys," he started, "who is running the Enterprise"

**Well folks, it's been wild ride. We finally got them married, reviews please? Were you entertained? I think this'll be wrapping up here pretty soon. I'm aiming for a few more chapters, but is that something you'd want? I've been throwing around the idea of writing something that's a bit more episodic, but still as silly. Is that of interest? Also, WHO IS RUNNING THE ENTERPRISE?? Your guess is as good as mine. **


	18. Chapter 18

**When writing silly stories, often times it is the logic of the plot that suffers the most. However, with the aid of modern medicine I was able to go back and fix every plot hole left wide open by this story. **

"Goddamit, Scotty!" McCoy shouted from his seat. "I was finally getting some goddamn action and you cockblock me with trying to figure out who is running the goddamn ship? Who fucking cares?! I was getting a hand job! I've been a damn pervert for seventeen chapters, and just when it comes to fruition – you have to be responsible!" "Hey!" Scotty shouted back. "I have died like four times during the story with no action at all and no secret perverts doors! Just let me have this one!" Uhura pulled out her hand and then zipped up McCoy's fly while licking her lips. "Don't worry, Doc. I'm still vulnerable. We can still play chicken when this is all over."

McCoy cocked an eyebrow. "And by play chicken you mean…"

"...hot monkey sex."

"AWESOME," McCoy shouted. "Let's find out who's running the ship." Scotty, Bones, Uhura, Han, Chekov, and Sulu dashed to the transporter at the end of the temple.

"We need to get back on the Enterprise!" they shouted.

The unicorn, who was doubling as transport operator, shrugged and flicked a switch, sending them all back to the bridge.

And when they materialized, they found none other than Luke Skywalker in the captain's chair, with the other stations occupied by the forgotten slave women.

"Oh hey everyone!" Luke said, grinning like an idiot. "How was the wedding?"

"Absolutely touching," McCoy sniffed. "The vows were so moving. I don't think there ever was or ever will be a better wedding in existence."

"Awesome! While I am super sad that I missed it, I figured I'd clean up some plot holes! So first I went back and liberated that planet of slave girls."

All the slave girls waved.

"And then once I had a crew, we went and killed both Khan and robot Khan. And then, we got back to that one princess lady about her sex spores problem – apparently they were all released and the planet had a giant orgy."

"Huh," Han said. "Someone had an intelligent thought around here?"

"Dammit, Scotty! Everything was under control! I could've been getting laid right now," McCoy shouted, thrusting a hypospray of poison into the chief engineer's neck. Scotty was once again dead.

McCoy stared down at the body before him. He looked at one of the former slave girls. "Um, hey, you, blondie. Could you and a few other girls get him out of here. He cracked his head when he fell to the floor, and he's staining the carpet."

The girl looked blankly at McCoy before sighing and grabbing Scotty by his feet and dragging him off the bridge. The other girls followed, desperate to get away. Han looked over at Luke, who was still reclining in the captain's chair.

"Hey kid, let's get out of here." Luke stared at Han in wonderment.

"Leave? But I've only just found myself! I've learned so much by simply being in this fandom!"

"Listen kid, I'm getting out of here, with or without you. I can't stand these people!" Han made to leave, but as the door opened to let him off the bridge, a few of the former slave girls were back. Recognizing Han as their captor, they all immediately jumped Han, scratching and screaming, desperate for revenge. Sulu, who had been previously occupied with jamming his tongue down Chekov's throat and rutting against his leg, looked over at Han, and felt a twinge of pity. After all, he was the one who allowed Han to be released. He removed his tongue, but continued the rutting.

"Hey girls (gasp) don't touch ahhh him! Oooh that's good. Oh, that's the spot Russian boy! Oh I mean, uh, ahhhh, it's not his (gasp) fault!" The girls did not listen to Sulu, and left Han in a bloody heap before exiting once more. "McMcAHHHHHHHHH YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sulu did not finish, his sentence at least. McCoy understood however, and enlisted Uhura's help to get Han some medical help. This also isolated the couple, allowing them to continue in their game of chicken.

* * *

While things were getting back to normal on the Enterprise, Spock and Kirk had finally grown tired after their loving, yet filthy fuck-fest. It was no wonder they were so exhausted as their epic splooj-carnival had stopped both time and space and for one shining moment everyone on the planet knew pure, unadulterated happiness. But when Spock came yelling "HOLY RAINBOW FUCK!" the moment ended and everyone went back to being petty and dissatisfied.

Kirk and Spock lounged on their cliff-top bed in a comfortable silence. Kirk's finger lazily traced Spock's ear before it received a chaste kiss.

"How the fuck are we supposed to leave this place?" Kirk asked, looking around at the vast wilderness.

"I actually have no idea," Spock answered. "I'm sure Deliciousnewyork will think of something later on to get us out of here."

Kirk snuggled to Spock's chest. "I'm sure you're right."

"Spock?" he questioned again.

"Yes?"

"I think we should have a baby. We're both so smokin' hot, we OWE it to genetics!!"

Spock sat up quickly and looked very confused.

"Um….did I literally fuck your brain out? We're both dudes. No matter how much stardust and fairy asses we wish on, you can't get a baby from two beef sticks!"

"But what if we…"

"Nope."

"We could try…."

"Won't work."

"What if we get a pumpkin and…"

"Countless scientists have proved that theory wrong!" Spock countered for a final time.

"I'm telling you! It just won't work! Think about it this way; Men are like cake batter and women are the oven. When you have those two things you can get a cake—the baby—now, when you have two men going at it, all you have is the cake batter. Sure, it's fun, sticky and delicious, but you just won't get a cake!"

Kirk could see the logic, and for one moment looked defeated. It wasn't long before his look of dejection became one of inspiration.

"I think I have it! Now we just need to get back to the Enterprise!" Kirk exclaimed.

Spock didn't know what Kirk was up to, but he could never resist indulging his captain.

"Hey!" Spock said, looking under a pillow. "This bed is also a transporter!"

"Oh my! How wonderfully convenient!" Kirk answered.

They thanked their lucky stars and their lazy author as they were beamed back to the Enterprise.

Kirk grabbed Spock's hand and rushed them to the rec room, finally stopping in front of a replicator.

"Why are we here?" Spock asked.

"Let's jack off!" Kirk supplied.

Spock was a bit thrown. He was always up for some naughty fun with his husband, but this was somewhat unexpected.

"Your talk about cake made me want some cake, so I thought I'd get some from the food replicator when we got back. Then THAT got me thinking about some possibilities, and I think if we both jiz in the replicator and turn it on turbo-high it'll spit out a baby at some point! It's so illogical it's bound to work!"

"I don't know…." Spock started.

"OMG! Just masturbate already!" yelled two voices from underneath a table.

Kirk and Spock turned to see Bones and Uhura peering out from under the table. Clearly Uhura and Bones were finding interests they had in common.

"Well, why the fuck not?" Spock said, and with that both men pulled down their pants and got to thinking about dirty things.

This was new to Spock, but Kirk had a bit of experience with food replicator loving before. On other parts of the ship, new couples were being formed.

* * *

"Okay, and vith zis bracelet, we will be togezer forever," Chekov said, tying a yellow and red friendship bracelet around Sulu's wrist. Sulu was worried. "Are you sure, Pav? I mean, I just unexpectedly got out of a spontaneous-by-slave-ownership long term relationship."

"Hikaru," Chekov started as he held out his wrist for Sulu to tie a matching one around his, "did I not pleasure you een closet and een temple and on bridge?" "…yes."

"And vas eet not better zan Han trying to escape and/or kill himself?"

"…yes."

Chekov squeed as Hikaru tied the final knot on his bracelet. "I love you, Hikaru. And even zough we are connected forever, we ken take time. I am not asking for you to marry me yet – shit, I do not even know eef ees legal since I am sewenteen – just to have sex and make cookies and love each other. Zough eef zere happens to be sequel vith our marriage…so be eet." Sulu squeezed a single tear out of his eye. He was so blessed to have Chekov in his life. "Oh Pavel!" he said as he threw his arms around his new boyfriend, "I love you, CommyCakes! I am suddenly no longer distressed over Ramalamadingdong!" Meanwhile, while Sulu and Chekov were getting naked and playing Hungry Hungry Hippos, Han was determined to get the hell off this ship.

Since the medical bay wasn't exhibitionist enough for McCoy and Uhura, the two blossoming lovebirds had taken their game of chicken to the mess hall, leaving Han alone and probably bleeding to death. But then it happened.

Han was saved by a green angel.

"Oh hey," Gaila said as she came into the medical bay. "I haven't seen you around here before. New cadet?"

"…wait, seriously?" Han asked. "You don't know who I am?" Gaila shrugged. "Sorry. I'd remember a pretty face like yours, though."

"I'm Han Solo – the smuggler you've been chasing since chapter one?"

"Is that what we've been doing?" Gaila rolled her eyes. "Sorry about that. I heard that someone was going to be writing the king of all crack fics, and I really wanted to stay away from that. So I did the smart thing: I worked in my room until it was over." She looked around. "Seems I miscalculated though, I was hoping to come out after chapter twenty, not in chapter eighteen. Oh well. There can't be too much insanity left, can there?" Han shuddered. "I don't know about that. Rumor is that Kirk and Spock are going to jack off into a food replicator to make a baby." "No, not this time. He and Uhura were locked in a deadly battle of chicken, and then she opened up a secret door that he didn't even know existed, and they both got this scary look of lust in their eyes, and disappeared behind it, and yeah…no idea."

Gaila shook her head. "Of course. Well, at least they're happy, right? Come on, I think you're well enough to move. Want to come back to my quarters and hide until the story is over?"

Han let out the longest sigh of relief ever uttered. "I've never heard something more wonderful."

* * *

Spock and Kirk stared intently at the replicator. It was making noises neither of them had heard before, whistles and beeps and occasionally high pitched screams. Then it began to smoke, and some steam spurted out along with some glitter and confetti.

DING!

The baby was done!

"Congratulations on the successful co-mingling of your genetic material!" Uhura exclaimed as she and Bones appeared from underneath the table.

While they were excited about the new baby, it wasn't the reason they left their table. Their pizza rolls were done.

Bones grabbed their pizza rolls and Spock grabbed the baby.

"Oooooh so beautiful! I could just eat you up!" Bones cooed to one of the pizza rolls.

Spock rolled his eyes and turned to Kirk, the baby cradled between them.

"She's friggen awesome!" Kirk said.

"I'm inclined to agree that she is the fucking best baby ever," Spock answered looking down at the wriggling, blue-eyed, pointy-eared baby.

"What should we name her?" Kirk murmured, nuzzling the baby's head.

It took quite a while to figure out what they would name their child, but having decided to honor family members, and pay homage to personal heroes, Kirk and Spock decided to call their daughter Amanda Winona Nyota Kermit the Frog Wulfric Motzart George The Little Mermaid McBones Spirk.

Uhura and Bones looked on at the loving scene and then turned to each other.

"I wonder what other weird shit we can make in the replicator! I've got a whole lab of crazy shit to try out!" McCoy yelled.

Uhura was eager to experiment as well and they were on their merry way.

**Woah a baby! Why the hell not? Reviews are always welcome and beneficial to crack stories.**


	19. Chapter 19

**The final chapter! Though it's an epilogue really. And fashioned after the epilogue of the final Harry Potter book. Enjoy. **

19 Years Later…

James T. Kirk, Captain Grand Sexyass Lord Admiral Mancandy of the _Enterprise (he had been promoted through the years) _smiled at his daughter Amanda Winona Nyota Kermit the Frog Wulfric Motzart George The Little Mermaid McBones Spirk. She had enlisted and was finally heading off to Starfleet.

"Are you sure you have enough red pants?" her father asked her. Jim was proud of his daughter's desire to break gender roles and norms and not wear a skirt, and very happy that his daughter had interests beyond looking hot for guys. Naturally, any replicator baby produced by him and Spock was bound to be crazy hot. And this was a proven fact. They had 17.

"Yes Dad. You made me repack 8 times."

At this time, Spock came forward with the other 16 children to wave Amanda Winona Nyota Kermit the Frog Wulfric Motzart George The Little Mermaid McBones Spirk goodbye.

"Allison, Dave, Popcorn, Hot-Pocket, Jeremy, Allan, Chris Pine, Nicolas, Spock Jr., Bacardi, #22, J.J. Abrams, Ginny, Bobby, Stacey, Pharaoh," Spock called the children forward one by one, "Say goodbye to you sister."

Spock made for quite an interesting sight, standing several feet over his many children. He and Kirk had waited many years to have more children after their first. So, while Amanda Winona Nyota Kermit the Frog Wulfric Motzart George The Little Mermaid McBones Spirk was 19 and ready to go to Starfleet, the rest of the children were 5 years old. Yes, one day Spock and Kirk got kinda bored and made 16 kids in one go.

While the children had enjoyed the benefits of their parents' good looks, they were also mildly cursed by their very different temperaments. One minute they would be calm with a cool logic, and the next they would be running around wildly, screaming, and taking off clothing. Guess which side comes from which dad.

The children were in a 'Kirk' mood so Spock had to do his best to herd the insane brood over to his husband. Thankfully, they had gotten a few sheep dogs to help with the herding. It was a hot mess of children and dogs, but Spock handled it with his usual cool logic.

However, not everyone around could handle the brood of mini-Kirks. Another person sending someone off to Starfleet turned around to face the horde.

"Hey! Could you control your children please?!?!?!"

Spock never did appreciate anyone making comments about his parenting.

Spock stared at the offending person for a few moments before speaking in a logical tone.

"Listen, you cock-bag, douche monkey. You mind your own fucking business you small-minded ass-ramming cunt-licker, who doesn't have the mental capacity of a shit-eating maggot pig fuck." The man turned pale, shielded his child's ears and turned in a huff.

Spock's rant turned the children into 'Spock' mode. "Come my muffin cuddles!" he told them.

Spock joined up with the rest of his family to say his goodbyes to his eldest child.

Kirk and Spock weren't the only parents sending kids of to Starfleet.

Leonard McCoy and Nyota Uhura also had a child ready to attend the Starfleet academy.

Bones looked at his son, and took in a breath to impart his words of wisdom.

"Now, Pervertus, do you remember what I told you about the all the hidden doors and secret windows at the academy?" Pervertus nodded. "Good. They come in handy." Uhura beamed. They had raised their son so well. Pervertus was also a replicator baby. Uhura didn't want to ruin her figure with stretch marks, so they decided a replicator baby would be the best solution. To this day, no one will question how exactly this was done…maybe they used a hard boiled egg or something.

The three of them met up with the horde surrounding Kirk and Spock. Pervertus did a peripheral glance at Amanda Winona Nyota Kermit the Frog Wulfric Motzart George The Little Mermaid McBones Spirk. He learned so much from watching the classic earth film 40 Year Old Virgin. He would definitely have to find the secret door that led to her room.

As Pervertus was checking out Amanda Winona Nyota Kermit the Frog Wulfric Motzart George The Little Mermaid McBones Spirk, Sulu and Chekov were leading their own precious daughter to the transport.

Nightly Sukov was the sweetest little girl this side of the Delta Quadrant.

Unlike Spirk and McHura, though, Sulu and Chekov didn't resort to things like replicator babies. Instead, they journeyed to the far reaches of space to meet up with the Magic Jerfon Fortune Cookie. Once there, they sprinkled the cookie with a bottle of '34 Smirnoff and recited "Eye of the Tiger" once in Japanese and once in Russian.

When the Magic Jerfon Fortune Cookie opened, there was a beautiful, little girl. The two were both so happy that they went into a closet and celebrated for three weeks. Then they remembered to pick up their daughter, name her Nightly, and continue on with their lives.

Nightly, however, loved gender roles. In fact, she really loved objectifying herself. Also, Bella Swan was her role model. So this is why she was heading off to Starfleet in a skin-tight, red tube top and a matching red skirt that barely covered her ass.

"You're going to be amazing, sweetie!" Chekov said, clapping his hands together wildly.

Nightly rolled her eyes and started applying another coat of Academy red lip stick. "Duh. I am amazing."

Sulu blinked back tears. "Message us as often as you can, okay?"

"Yeah, okay, sure," Nightly said, batting her eyelashes at Pervertus and Amanda Winona Nyota Kermit the Frog Wulfric Motzart George The Little Mermaid McBones Spirk. While she might subscribe to gender roles, Nightly Sukov liked to sample men, women, and aliens.

Pervertus had been trying to win over Amanda Winona Nyota Kermit the Frog Wulfric Motzart George The Little Mermaid McBones Spirk. He made a show of walking over with a confident swagger and a sexy smirk on his face.

In reality, he just looked incredibly drunk. Some might go so far as to say he looked crunk.

Amanda Winona Nyota Kermit the Frog Wulfric Motzart George The Little Mermaid McBones Spirk only raised her eyebrow at the deranged peacock-like display.

"Hey, baby," he said "I got you a gift"

He was met with a look of suspicion.

He pulled a long black braid of hair out of his bag.

"What the fuck is that?" she asked logically.

"It's a braid made of the hair I've been collecting from you!"

"That's really fucked up! How the hell did you get my hair?"

"Aw, I knew you'd love it!" he cried going in to hug her. He was pushed back.

"See, it even has a clip, so it's wearable!" Pervertus continued.

"There is no fucking way in hell I would ever wear that," Amanda Winona Nyota Kermit the Frog Wulfric Motzart George The Little Mermaid McBones Spirk reasoned with a cool logic.

"Uh….it's not for you to wear. I'm gonna wear it. In my pants," he answered.

He was met with a look of horror.

"Where the fuck are you going to clip it??"

Before Pervertus could answer, Spock and Kirk came over to investigate the scene.

"Holy fucking star-fuck in hell, are you hitting on my daughter?" Spock asked the young man in a dignified tone of neutral logic.

"Because if you are, let me tell you what will happen. I will cut off your dick with all of the rage and hatred that will manifest into a laser-beam that will shoot out of my right eye. I will then take that dick and turn tie it to a chain so you can wear it around your neck as a sign of your perverted shame, you pencil dicked, goat fucker."

Spock's eldest daughter finished up for him.

"And if that doesn't work, I'll take your penis necklace of shame and beat the shit out of your fucking face with it," she offered with a cool logic.

Spock looked around for his husband to get it on the conversation, but melted a little to find his beloved was wrestling playfully with their band of children. Or were they overtaking him in a vicious coup? Spock wasn't sure, but either way the scene warmed his heart.

Uhura and Bones came over to see what the commotion was all about. Nightly also saw her chance to swoop in and steal Pervertus from Amanda Winona Nyota Kermit the Frog Wulfric Motzart George The Little Mermaid McBones Spirk. She had been wanting a brooding, controlling, boyfriend for the longest time!

Sulu looked over at one of the many televisions they had playing in the waiting area. Luke Skywalker was on, hosting his very own cooking/gossip show. Dressed in bright pink hot pants and tight tank that read "Sexy Bi-atch" in glitter, Luke was currently demonstrating how to make Chicken Noodle Pistachio Pound Cake.

Sulu sighed. Seeing Luke on TV always reminded him of his once beloved Han. While Sulu was sickeningly happy with Chekov, he always wondered what Han was up to. He had not been seen since the day the slave girls beat him within an inch of his life.

Little did Sulu know that Han had been saved by none other than Gaila, who, sick of the crazy ass shit that went on, deserted Starfleet to join Han in his fandom. Gaila was at first upset to learn Han was already with someone and almost came back. But then she remembered Uhura and Bones had created a secret door into her room. That was too much to handle. So she agreed to a threesome.

Sulu was distracted from his musings when the Kirk/Spock horde overtook his beloved Chekov. He began pulling them off by their shirts. Almost like kittens.

At this point, Allison, Dave, Jeremy, Allan, Nicolas, Ginny, Bobby and Stacey all went into 'Spock' mode, while Popcorn, Hot-Pocket, Chris Pine, Spock Jr., Bacardi, #22, J.J. Abrams, Pharaoh went into 'Kirk' mode. This provided a welcome distraction to get Chekov out, as all the 'Kirks' began to torment the 'Spocks.' Sulu pulled Chekov into his arms, all thoughts of Han erased from his mind.

Just as all the bickering and fighting reached a crescendo, Scotty yelled loud enough to silence everyone in the hangar.

"Alright, everyone, the shuttle is ready to go, so if you're goin' come aboard!"

Scotty opened his mouth to speak once more but was silenced when a semi-small rock hit him square between the eyes. The fatal shot came from the slingshot of Bacardi. Normally such a blow would be a minor annoyance, but the girl's Vulcan strength rendered her aim deadly.

Hugs and kisses were given and all the young cadets walked over Scotty's dead body to board the shuttle.

Kirk, Spock, Bones, Uhura, Chekov and Sulu watched the shuttle take off with tears in their eyes. Finally, their kids were gone and they could all go back to having wild sex on their kitchen tables. Well, Spock and Kirk still had their large amount of children but this had led to a very lucrative television deal. They would be the stars of their very own reality show, "Kirk and Spock plus a Flock."

All was well.

**THE END!!**

**Wow, we're done kids! And it took a crazy long time to finish, but it's done. If I left any character out umm well they're living happily ever after sipping cocktails. And fighting vikings! As always, I love to hear what you think. Hope you enjoyed it and thanks to those who read and reviewed. **


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